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Reunion Conversations

Definitions: Withholds

Withhold: A withhold is any thought withheld for a significant reason from a significant person. A withhold serves as a barrier to the experience of communication, of joyous love. 

All divorced couples (both partners) consciously withheld one or more significant (possible deal-breaking) thoughts from each other on their first date. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. i.e. Withholders always attract withholders. Withholders, those addicted to deceiving others (specifically their parents),** automatically, non-verbally, grant each other permission to withhold his/her thoughts of choice.

Any out-integrity in a relationship dooms your partner to a life with little or no joy—consciously choosing to withhold a thought is referred to as premeditated abuse.

* "significant" Three tests to determine if a thought is a significant withhold:

1. If the thought reoccurs.
2. If your mind argues with your God-self about whether to share it or not. 
3. If you know or suspect another would get upset if you shared the thought verbally with them. The word "verbally" reminds us that all withholds are being communicated non-verbally. Your partner knows something's missing, i.e. "I'm not experiencing the experience of love very often."

It's understood that anyone the mind chooses to withhold a thought from is a significant person.

— Perhaps, on your very first date with your partner you withheld from them that your family is dysfunctional, or the biggie, that you had previously been in a physically abusive relationship. You withheld some thought you suspected would be a deal-breaker if he/she knew. What happened was you chose to deceive them; non-verbally delivered withholds affect everyone with whom you relate.  What also happened on your first date was, unbeknownst to you, you automatically, unconsciously, non-verbally, granted them permission to withhold their thoughts of choice from you. In other words, you began the deceit between you. They intuitively knew that they had found in you someone who would not require open and honest communication, someone who would allow significant* withholds.

— No doubt you participated in some damaging gossip/badmouthing about another and never told the person to their face.

— Most likely you conned a high school date into deceiving both sets a parents so as to have sex, and you've yet to acknowledge the deceit to all concerned.

— Other withholds could be specific experiences that you stuffed, such as what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone's communication.

— A withhold can be a long overdue expression of appreciation, respect or love, or, a resentment or a thought of disrespect or an unacknowledged perpetration. Sometimes you must gently grab the person's head and look at him/her directly in the eyes and say, "I want you to know I appreciate you?" —such is our resistance to acknowledging and being acknowledged. Typically, a person will reply, "Ah, that's OK, don't mention it." In which case, you reply, "Yes, I am mentioning it. Please tell me you get it!" Many, after the death of loved one, regret not having acknowledged many things. (read: The Completion Process—it's about having significant communications with a person who is dying.

If someone is afraid to tell you a truth then you have not created a safe space for the truth to be told. You have in fact unconsciously created fear in your relationship. We use fear to control others, mostly to keep them around. In most all cases of infidelity the "victim" blames their partner rather than accept responsibility for having driven them into the arms of another, for not being a safe space for them to share certain thoughts. During coaching all "victims" acknowledge that it was their intention (albeit an unconscious one) to be deceived; that using their leadership-communication skills they set it up to be deceived.
 **  The majority of parents, using their leadership communication-skills, train their children to deceive them—evidenced by the fact that most teens con each other into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex.  Parents learn this way of communicating, of interacting, by mirroring their teachers (Education Majors) who themselves learned to relate this way in the nation's university/college Speech-Communication Departments. Colleges do not offer a communication mastery curriculum; I don't know of any that teach one how to relate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant withholds.