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« Last post by dojaa on October 22, 2022, 12:49:04 AM »
Practical Explanation ( For Example ) :- `1st of all can you tell me every single seconds detail from that time when you born ?? ( i need every seconds detail ?? that what- what you have thought and done on every single second )
can you tell me every single detail of your `1 cheapest Minute Or your whole hour, day, week, month, year or your whole life ??
if you are not able to tell me about this life then what proof do you have that you didn't forget your past ? and that you will not forget this present life in the future ?
that is Fact that Supreme Lord Krishna exists but we posses no such intelligence to understand him.
there is also next life. and i already proved you that no scientist, no politician, no so-called intelligent man in this world is able to understand this Truth. cuz they are imagining. and you cannot imagine what is god, who is god, what is after life etc.
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for example :Your father existed before your birth. you cannot say that before your birth your father don,t exists.
So you have to ask from mother, "Who is my father?" And if she says, "This gentleman is your father," then it is all right. It is easy.
Otherwise, if you makes research, "Who is my father?" go on searching for life; you'll never find your father.
( now maybe...maybe you will say that i will search my father from D.N.A, or i will prove it by photo's, or many other thing's which i will get from my mother and prove it that who is my Real father.{ So you have to believe the authority. who is that authority ? she is your mother. you cannot claim of any photo's, D.N.A or many other things without authority ( or ur mother ).
if you will show D.N.A, photo's, and many other proofs from other women then your mother. then what is use of those proofs ??} )
same you have to follow real authority. "Whatever You have spoken, I accept it," Then there is no difficulty. And You are accepted by Devala, Narada, Vyasa, and You are speaking Yourself, and later on, all the acaryas have accepted. Then I'll follow.
I'll have to follow great personalities. The same reason mother says, this gentleman is my father. That's all. Finish business. Where is the necessity of making research? All authorities accept Krsna, the Supreme Personality of Godhead. You accept it; then your searching after God is finished.
Why should you waste your time?
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all that is you need is to hear from authority ( same like mother ). and i heard this truth from authority " Srila Prabhupada " he is my spiritual master.
im not talking these all things from my own.
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in this world no `1 can be Peace full. this is all along Fact.
cuz we all are suffering in this world 4 Problems which are Disease, Old age, Death, and Birth after Birth.
tell me are you really happy ?? you can,t be happy if you will ignore these 4 main problem. then still you will be Forced by Nature.
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if you really want to be happy then follow these 6 Things which are No illicit s.ex, No g.ambling, No d.rugs ( No tea & coffee ), No meat-eating ( No onion & garlic's )
5th thing is whatever you eat `1st offer it to Supreme Lord Krishna. ( if you know it what is Guru parama-para then offer them food not direct Supreme Lord Krishna )
and 6th " Main Thing " is you have to Chant " hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare ".
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If your not able to follow these 4 things no illicit s.ex, no g.ambling, no d.rugs, no meat-eating then don,t worry but chanting of this holy name ( Hare Krishna Maha-Mantra ) is very-very and very important.
Chant " hare krishna hare krishna krishna krishna hare hare hare rama hare rama rama rama hare hare " and be happy.
if you still don,t believe on me then chant any other name for 5 Min's and chant this holy name for 5 Min's and you will see effect. i promise you it works And chanting at least 16 rounds ( each round of 108 beads ) of the Hare Krishna maha-mantra daily.
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Here is no Question of Holy Books quotes, Personal Experiences, Faith or Belief. i accept that Sometimes Faith is also Blind. Here is already Practical explanation which already proved that every`1 else in this world is nothing more then Busy Foolish and totally idiot.
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Source(s):
every `1 is already Blind in this world and if you will follow another Blind then you both will fall in hole. so try to follow that person who have Spiritual Eyes who can Guide you on Actual Right Path. ( my Authority & Guide is my Spiritual Master " Srila Prabhupada " )
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if you want to see Actual Purpose of human life then see this link : ( triple w ( d . o . t ) asitis ( d . o . t ) c . o . m {Bookmark it })
read it complete. ( i promise only readers of this book that they { he/she } will get every single answer which they want to know about why im in this material world, who im, what will happen after this life, what is best thing which will make Human Life Perfect, and what is perfection of Human Life. ) purpose of human life is not to live like animal cuz every`1 at present time doing 4 thing which are sleeping, eating, s.ex & fear. purpose of human life is to become freed from Birth after birth, Old Age, Disease, and Death.
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« Last post by Kerry on February 26, 2018, 02:11:30 PM »
This tip is for children of parents who fight a lot, parents who are argumentative, stuck as adversaries, treating each other abusively (abusively meaning—in ways that don't feel good to you, each other, or others). This tip communicates to a young person willing to make a significant positive1 difference in his/her parent's relationship. We begin with five premises: - Children want and need2 their parents to treat each other with respect and kindness. Married or not they want and expect their parents to relate with each other lovingly with supportive respect. When this need is not being met the child is incomplete.
- Children learn how to create, have, complete, and recreate relationships by emulating their parents. Children who have not learned (through observation)3 how to recreate a loving relationship after they have caused a rift are missing certain fundamental leadership-communication skills.4
- A child experiences invalidation when they cannot bring about (inspire) harmony within his/her own family. To not be able to effect the experience of love between the two people he/she loves most leaves a child with a sense of futility and hopelessness. Even worse, the child, having tried to suggest healthy choices (food, exercise & drugs), assumes that they (the child) are the cause for the unhealthiness (lack of energy and happy aliveness, perhaps overweight) of his/her parents. Such failures affect a child for life—most grow up to be like his/her parents.
- Until parents demonstrate to their child how to recreate a loving supportive relationship after a fight/divorce they have not finished their job of raising a well-adjusted child. The finest gift parents can give their child is the experience of knowing that through his/her leadership-communication skills they have contributed to their parent's growth—nothing validates5 a child more than to see his/her parents hugging and loving each other.
- A child may conceptually love a parent but he/she cannot respect or admire a parent who feigns to be the victim, who covertly badmouths or communicates blame for the abuse and failure of the relationship. At some level children know that, like themselves, each parent, using his/her non-verbal leadership-communication skills, starts each fight.
For you to recreate a loving supportive relationship between your parents you will have to be willing to acknowledge several things: 1. At some level you've always known that you were responsible for the bickering arguments. As with all observers (enablers) silence condones. Responsibility has nothing to do with fault (we know it has not been your fault). More specifically, there is a communication that will effect a transformation. 2. You have held a belief that you cannot mediate supportive harmony between them, because you have tried and failed. You have constructed an entire logic system of reasons to support your position, that you are right, that it's impossible, that they don't want to have it work, it's not as bad as it used to be, it's not worth the struggle, they're doing OK, they both have new partners, etc. 3. You have possibly taken sides and have come to believe that one parent is more damaged (abusive) than the other; this reveals that you have a misunderstanding of the word responsible and of the power of non-verbal abuse. 4. If you keep communicating and relating with both of them as you have been you will most likely produce more of the same. Step #1 To effect a transformation you must be willing to acknowledge that your present leadership-communication skills produce friction. Yah, silence has an effect. Step #2 You must be willing to look at the remote possibility that you have in fact been unconsciously intending the friction. No matter what your mind tells you, the results clearly show that you've empowered (supported) both to continue treating each other abusively. Step #3 You must be willing to not have them, to not interact with either, until each have completed 25-hours of individual therapy. Both parents must acknowledge his or her cause of the arguments (what he/she does, or does not do, to start the arguments) and to be willing to be coached on how to recreate a loving supportive relationship. You must be willing to not interact with, for life, the parent who refuses to attend therapy or relationship communication-skills coaching sessions. Note: Each year thousands of children run away rather than put up with intolerable living conditions. For you to read and ignore the above will reveal that you also require 25-hours of therapy and coaching, that you have become stuck as an enabler of abuse; it would reveal that you are addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. Yes, it is abusive of you to support one parent in abusing the other. For you to sit by and support the abuse silently makes you a co-conspirator, an unconscious intender. Picture if you will, what each would think, do, and say, if in the middle of another typical argument between them you would say, " Either you two get therapy or I'm reporting you to the school counselor." And of course mean it; it backfires on you if it's simply an empty threat. 1 The word positive reminds us that we all have the same amount of support skills. Some of us are programmed to uplift and forward others, while others, using their unique support skills, cause mediocrity, and that others use their leadership-communication skills to thwart and take others down with them. 2 "need" In order to become successful happy adults. 3 "observation" To include hearing/experiencing. For example: Father to mother (in front of the child), "I get that what I just said didn't feel good." 4 More accurately, the leadership-communication skills they learned cause deceit and friction. 5 "Validates" It's a visceral sensation. With aloha, Last edited 6/23/18
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« Last post by Kerry on February 24, 2018, 12:44:10 AM »
Hi Confused: The source of your problem has to do with the way you communicate, your leadership-communication skills. * Your parents, friends, and teachers have taught you to operate from blame and victim. You have yet to learn how to communicate responsibly. No need to feel badly, I know of no university that requires education majors to be able to quote a definition of the word responsible; consequently, no two teachers in any school have the same definition of the word. This partly explains why a smoker successfully sued a cigarette company for lung cancer. Your letter reveals that you are an unconscious con. You are not acknowledging the con you're running on Jason. This causes you to be a liability to both of you and your respective futures. Reading this reply will support you with your communication mastery curriculum. You used the promise of sex to attract and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. We know this is true because that's the result your leadership-communication skills produced. Using your wily ways you've set him up to beg. It's called manipulation. One good test is to ask if a Nun would advise different clothing when you're going out on a date. I need to mention here how important it is to discuss up-front who pays for what—in the likely event of an "accidental" pregnancy—until the child's 18th birthday. I say "likely" because if you support deceiving both sets of parents then karmically you are ripe for undesirable results. BTW: You're supposed to be having these conversations with your parents. Your con includes saying the word, "no" but to non-verbally communicate ". . . keep trying, I'll eventually give in, and when I do I'll make you feel guilty for pressuring me into having sex." Your integrity is such that you're ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you. Did I mention "respective futures"? Any idea how many girls started high school with the idea of having a successful career but instead unconsciously opted for (intended) pregnancy and then became preoccupied playing house and soccer mom? A responsible young woman tells the truth and as such, when she says, "No sex," she means what she says and the boy is absolutely clear that that's the way it will be. The "no" is communicated with the intention for it to be gotten (recreated, owned, and respectfully supported) and so the boy knows there is absolutely no hope. This gives the boy a clear choice, to continue dating you solely because he enjoys you, and/or, to look elsewhere for a sex partner. "No," when communicated (with an intention for it to be gotten) instantaneously transforms the relationship; it creates a context of respect. Conversely, "no," when said, but not meant, when it's a lie, the lie is soon revealed after you intend more foreplay. When the "no" is a lie it immediately grants the boy permission to keep trying with the implied promise of success. It causes struggle, confusion, arguments, and broken agreements— breakdowns in communication—respect is somewhat diminished between them. It's unbecoming of you to be pretending that you don't know that his mind, instead of studying (in every class and when at home supposedly doing homework) is partially preoccupied about sex with you; it conclusively proves that you don't have his best interests at heart. How does a boy know the difference between the two no's? One way he can tell is if you've already said no to something and then set him up to talk you into a yes. Another way is if he has observed you deceiving your parents, lying to them and others, or, if you non-verbally condone his lying to his parents, or deceptions to others. Non-verbal support of his unethical behaviors causes him to disrespect you. He's not aware that he doesn't totally respect you it just gets dramatized in his behaviors with you. ** I inserted the word totally to make the point even though it's redundant. Note: He doesn't have to witness or even hear about a lie to know you don't treat your parents with respect, it's an aura/attitude thing. Boys intuitively know that daughters who don't have a nurturing supportive loving relationship with their fathers are lonely and ripe for the picking. The magic words that guarantee sex are, "I love you" exactly what he knows you need to hear. On the other hand, fathers who arrogantly (I can raise my daughter myself, I don't need no stink'n help) refuse to get coaching on how to have a supportive, loving, hugging, open and honest relationship with their daughter, drive (yes drive) their daughter into the arms of boys stuck in sexist, condescending behaviors—boys who have not been taught by their father how to treat women with respect. Both teens, wanting love and approval, opt for the next best thing, sex. All interactions (all conversations) between teens who have sex, who also do not have open, honest and spontaneous communication with their parents, are merely doing their imitation of communication with everyone, each doing his/her imitation of communication with the other. Such interactions guarantee (yes guarantee) little if any joy and happiness. Whatever moments of laughter they have are but peak moments, as with drugs, and cannot not be sustained, or created at will, in the light of day. What they call love is not love because it's founded upon deceptions; the look of guilt is just behind the happy-acting smile. In other words, if you plan, have, and then hide your first sex, then you've ripped off your parents big-time. The "first time" is supposed to be a joyous experience to be shared and laughed about with both families. Such conversations disappear shame and embarrassment, and, most importantly, preclude the consequences of guilt (guilt affects ones ability to be, to concentrate (as with studying), and to be creative). You write, "I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I'm married." This is a lie. What's so is you were told that your virginity is special. Telling someone about an ideal is different than communicating/teaching it. We wouldn't be having this conversation if your parent's wishes had in fact been communicated (taught, learned, & owned). Have you asked your parents if they were virgins? I suspect not, and, that they weren't. You write: "... but I'm worried he might pressure me into something I don't want to do..." This reveals your addiction to blaming. A responsible sentence would read: "... but I'm worried I might pressure him into wanting something we may later regret. Clearly I'm not aware of my intentions." Parents who are not clear about the differences between considerations, wants, wishes, and intentions, most often end up with a teen stuck in thwarting disrespectful, deceitful, rebellious behaviors. "Virginity" is your parent's "good" idea. You haven't told them that you are confused and have doubts, that you have been considering having sex—not, going to have sex—merely thinking about it. The fact that you aren't being honest with your parents indicates that your honest act with them and others is just that, an act. How can Jason possibly respect someone who deceives her parents? Keep in mind, a boy who doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his parents will tell you anything your mind needs to hear so as to get you to have sex, and, he'll lie and tell you it's the truth (and you, because you intend to be conned, will pretend to believe him). From the very beginning a boy watches and listens for subtle communications from you so as to learn what to say, what you need to hear, to justify breaking the implied abstinence agreement you have with your parents. Quite often the magic words are, "I love you." —the very words that are seldom, if ever, heard between parents at home. The fact that he'd be willing to talk you into having sex without the support of your parents reveals that he'd deceive his own parents as well. In other words, your first with him would not be the exquisite spiritual experience of intercourse. Most parents who give their child "virginity" advice do so from hypocrisy. Few share their own sex history with their child. Parents have so many unacknowledged withholds (deceits and perpetrations) between themselves that they have become stuck doing their imitation of communication. As such, their "truths" and wisdom don't get gotten. They've lost their ability to distinguish between lecturing and communicating. Very few parents have learned how to create a safe space for the truth to be told. Virginity becomes yet another belief such as Santa Claus and what happens when we die. Re: "I know he wants to lose his virginity to me." I'm assuming here you mean that he also is a virgin, if so, this places a tremendous responsibility upon you—to ensure that you're both in-integrity so that it's a most joyous experience (clean sheets or the backseat of a car, zero worries about getting caught). If you're not comfortable talking about sex, (if you haven't taught him how to masturbate you through to climax) then you will most certainly will be at effect of the entire process. That's the huge advantage of communicating vs. talking; communication automatically disappears all fears and considerations. All thoughts must be shared verbally for true intercourse to take place. If one partner is withholding thoughts (deceiving) his/her parents then what happens is an imitation of sex. True [breathing together] intercourse takes place in the space of two who are in-integrity. The vast majority of parents had deceitful sex behind their own parent's backs; they continue to have unacknowledged withholds between themselves—their relationship is rife with breakdowns in communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomena. A girl cannot respect a boy she can con just as a boy cannot respect a girl whom he can con (read talk into/manipulate). How can Jason respect himself knowing that he's totally willing to con you into disobeying and deceiving your father? What few are willing to acknowledge is that the words "no, not until I'm married" when said, and then retracted, say the week before the wedding, makes the "no" a lie. It creates thereafter an unconscious condition of disrespect. Your no's don't always mean no. "H'm, maybe she doesn't really mean I can't have sex with other women." President Clinton knew, with absolute certainty, that Hillary's no's didn't mean no, and, that she would not divorce him in the middle of his presidency; she virtually gave him permission to mess around. Imagine the outcome had she, during the campaign, communicated, "If you cheat on me I'll divorce you, even in the middle of your presidency." All (yes all) divorced individuals who caused infidelity during their marriage withheld a significant thought from their date on their first date—there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.One thing we know is that Jason is not loving you experientially, however, he most likely does love you conceptually. The difference between conceptual love and experiential love is that with the latter there is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero significant withholds. It's referred to as being in-integrity; this way of communicating, this communication model, when practiced at your age becomes an automatic behavior you'll use in your close adult relationships. You're supposed to learn this communication model by practicing now, at home with your parents. What you and Jason have is an "honest act" with each other. It's turned on and off depending upon whom you are with. The proof is that you talk about things with each other, and your friends, that you hide from your parents. In the process of growing up you have the opportunity to master intercourse. Beautiful exquisite intercourse is mostly foreplay, most of which consists of thousands and thousands of open, honest, and spontaneous conversations/communications/interactions with everyone in both families. It is sheer arrogance of you to think that you will be able to both create and sustain a nurturing relationship without the support of both sets of parents and all your friends. Read Creating a Marriage Vow that Precludes Cheating and Wedding Guest Vows. Once you are clear that all lies, all truths, all unacknowledged perpetrations, have consequences you will know that there are no accidental pregnancies, only pregnancies caused by girls who unconsciously intend to get caught for their lies and deceits to their teachers and parents. Many a pregnant high school girl will tell you that it was not until after she manipulated the guy into "accidentally" impregnating her that she became aware that she used him as a socially acceptable way of not having to study hard and go to college and become a financially responsible professional. She can, with coaching, also acknowledge that she was unconsciously intent on thwarting him by controlling his financial status (child support for 18-years), possibly preventing him from going to college. Later in life couples wonder where their spouse's "spiteful" anger comes from during the divorce settlement negotiations; few are aware that it might have something to do with having talked their date into having sex instead of supporting him/her in getting good grades. That is to say, eventually each will come to harbor resentment towards the other, each for running their con on the other (blame blame). If you love him take control other than by using sex. Given that we cannot not con others, con him into succeeding and being considerate and honest. The communication-leadership skills it takes to support him honoring agreements, and keeping his mind on his studies, are the same ones that will work for you later in life. Most wives will tell you they've lost, if they ever had, the ability to inspire their husband to opt for healthy, growth-producing choices. I'm speaking here about wives whose leadership-support skills have produced social alcoholics, overweight couch potatoes who must be nagged to do even a small portion of his share of household chores, whose husbands haven't read a book since school and who refuse to go to counseling or dance classes. That is to say, one cannot not support. How one communicates and relates with others either supports growth and aliveness and energy or supports one in succumbing to energy-sapping, blaming mediocrity. The way to tell what you've been up to is to look at the results those close to you are producing. * The way you communicate, your present communication model, is what's referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model. Adversaries hide things, certain thoughts, from those they are close to, so as to survive yet another day without coming clean. They are deceitful just as you are being deceitful with your parents. You are afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to talk about what's going on between you and Jason with your parents. You support Jason in being deceitful with your parents. He can't say to your father, "Hey, I'm trying to talk your daughter into having sex with me, can you put in a good word? You have my word that if I get her pregnant I will pay child support, for life." Jason supports you in deceiving your parents, in going behind their backs to make out. He is out-integrity. He doesn't even communicate openly and honestly with his own parents. A relationship founded upon deceit is doomed to mediocrity. ** Disrespects are communicated via humorous condescensions such as "Nice going klutz." or broken time agreements. Great letter for many. Do show this reply to Jason. If you're absolutely intent on success in life show it to Jason and your parents also. —Thank you, Kerry PS: If you truly want to make a difference make several copies of this letter to leave on desks and bulletin boards, or send (anonymously if need be) to your school newspaper editor; it will generate thousands of valuable conversations. PPS: Here's a supportive article: Do you need to be deceived, cheated on? Last edited 5/11/18
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« Last post by Anon on February 24, 2018, 12:36:59 AM »
I am a 16-year-old girl in high school, and I'm having troubles with boys. There's a lot of pressure to have sex, and it's often overwhelming.
I've been seeing "Jason" for six months. I know he wants to lose his virginity to me, but I'm not sure I'm ready. I truly care about Jason and sometimes I think I should just get it over with. On the other hand, I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I'm married.
I know Jason loves me, but I'm worried he might pressure me into something I don't want to do. I'm not stupid. If he were the type of guy who made me feel uncomfortable I wouldn't be with him. But I like Jason so much, I figure, if I'm going to lose my virginity eventually, it might as well be with him.
Can you give me some advice?—CONFUSED IN COLORADO
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« Last post by Kerry on February 22, 2018, 04:15:43 PM »
Hi Wondering: It's great that you are conscious enough to feel badly, even more so that you are sharing your experience and asking for support. What you are experiencing is your integrity. Some call it guilt others call it conscience. ". . . like I've betrayed . . ."? H'm, sounds like a case of denial to me. The West Point Code of Honor states that the observer (you) first confront the perpetrator (your friend) and ask them to stop the rule breaking behavior, or, in your case, "Return what you stole or report yourself." If they refuse, you then tell them that you will report them; otherwise, you become an accessory. If a cadet observer elects to not confront or report the cadet perpetrator both could be punished or even expelled. You left out the first step. Actually you left out one other step, the one that creates a context for the relationship. "By the way, I can't remain silent about criminal activity. Don't do it or I'll have to report you." Or, "I discuss and share everything with my parents—no secrets." Your parents and teachers were supposed to inform you on how to handle such things. It appears you have not discussed this problem with them; this is the far more important aspect of your problem. Now let's look and see what the out-integrity is really about. My sense is that there was something going on in the relationship with your "friend" that was incomplete for you, else you most likely would not have so readily turned them in without talking to him/her. True friends don't do that without quite a few heart-wrenching conversations. In any case, it's important to know that his/her perpetration was/is a cry for help. He/she had lost their respect for you else they would not have risked disappointing you or losing your friendship. In other words, your betrayal happened earlier. Your relationship with your friend was out-integrity and in your universe you are cause. You were blaming him/her for an earlier incomplete for which you were unconsciously driven to ensure they were punished. You ask what to do. The surest way to restore your experience of integrity is to talk with your friend. It's most likely there never was any experience of communication between you so a letter will work. Acknowledge that you weren't there for them when they needed you, that you lead them to believe that you were their friend, and that reporting them was a dramatization of your upset with them. And, most importantly, that now you realize that you should have talked to them first before reporting them. —Kerry PS: Experience tells me that your self-righteousness indicates that it's you who wants to get acknowledged (caught) for an earlier perpetration. Who in your life would say that you have deceived them? Use The Clearing Process to recall your incompletes and to restore and maintain your integrity. To receive feedback about your comments or to post a question please use the Teen Forum (free - registration required). Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 4/22/18)
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« Last post by Anon on February 22, 2018, 04:09:57 PM »
I witnessed a theft and told a teacher, who promptly informed the cops. I feel terrible about it—like I’ve betrayed the friend who did it. What should I do? WONDERING IN FLORIDA
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« Last post by Kerry on February 22, 2018, 11:51:34 AM »
Hi Boredetts: Great letter. It speaks to many families. Thanks for writing. Firstly: Your parents and your grandparents have brought this upon themselves. None of them have ever taken a communication-relationship skills course. This condition simply couldn't exist if even one of them had attended such a workshop (college speech-communication courses don't count). Your grandparents did not teach your mother to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously and so she couldn't teach you. None of them, when they are in a room together with you, can see the obvious boredom on your faces; or worse, they can see it and ignore it. This is called being unconscious. An awake adult can see when you are incomplete (whatever look you have on your face when you're upset, or bored, or when you're hiding a lie/deceit (a withhold), when you're not in communication with someone, when you are not radiant, happy and joking). The non-verbal communication is so obvious that it begs to be addressed before continuing any conversation. They would then interrupt everyone and ask you, "What's up?" or "What's going on?" In a family that communicates openly, this would be your invitation to tell your truths. "I'm bored." * They are all stuck in ignorance. They are totally and completely unaware that both of you are bored and being deceitful, that you are not communicating openly and honestly with them. They all hide thoughts from each other so they have lost their ability to see when you are hiding thoughts. It's called being out-integrity. A lifetime of withholding thoughts detracts from one's aliveness; and, as you've noticed with your grandparents, their very health. BTW: When you tell the truth the problem disappears. Once you told them, "I'm bored." you'd immediately be experiencing something else. Your mother made you wrong for telling the truth, this is abusive. Worse yet, she closed the topic for life so now you both have to stuff those thoughts. Making others wrong and shutting down communication is a behavior you will definitely inherent from her so look for it with your children, and remember what it felt like. An awake mother would have said afterwards, perhaps later that day, "I get that I made you wrong. I know that that was abusive. I get that I haven't included you in the conversations with your grandparents. I get that I have not been a safe space for you to tell me the truth. I get that your relationship with them has been boring for you. Keep letting me know your thoughts about this." Secondly: Your grandparents are not in-communication with you. They are unconscious. They've become stuck doing their imitation of communication. This is not your fault. They never studied how to get into communication with teenage girls. In their arrogance they thought these skills would come naturally. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whereas parents read books about raising children, there are very few books for grandparents about how to support grandchildren. You both are of a different generation. You can see things that adults can no longer easily see. You can see the hypocrisies. They truly are unconscious; it's not you. There's nothing wrong with you. All the thoughts you have you're supposed to have. The way your grandparents talked with each other when they were young is totally different than how you and your sister talk with each other and with enlightened adults (if you're lucky to know any). So, what’s this really about? It’s about you learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero significant thoughts withheld. Not you and your sister, just you. You're supposed to use your grandparents to learn how to communicate openly and spontaneously; you practice on them. Given that you're the one writing your sister may or may not take advantage of this opportunity. If she chooses to continue withholding thoughts from people (beginning with your relatives) then she will become like your grandparents and drive her grandchildren out of her life. **All young people come to this fork in the road. Most continue to operate from the decision to hide things from adults; they reap the consequences of this deceit for life. They develop an "honest act" around adults but in truth hide all sorts of things from them, as though adults aren’t capable of hearing the truth. Fear takes over and teens become addicted to withholding certain thoughts. Eventually they try to have an open and honest relationship with their life-partner but they hide a "few" thoughts right at the very beginning which dooms the relationship to mediocrity and boredom (divorce). What would work is for each of you, separately, locate the incident, it’s a specific communication, an interaction with each grandparent, that was the turning point—before they were great and fun, after which they weren’t, unless neither of you ever liked them. You haven’t discovered the wonderfulness of grandparents. Most are so much more tolerant and accepting than your parents are—less likely to blow up over “little" things. You can talk about anything with them. You can say anything to them and they can get it. Because of memory lapses they laugh at all your old jokes, they'll watch reruns with you thinking it's the first time they saw the movie, and feign shock and awe at the trends/fads you share with them. Adult business persons pay lots of money for consultants, you've got two that you're not tapping into for free. You simply can’t be whole and complete until you're comfortable interacting with old folks. * First person always. I'm bored, not, we're bored. ** Millions and millions of grandparents have, using their leadership-communication skills, driven their children and grandchildren out of their lives and die blaming the children. Do show this post to everyone. With aloha, Kerry Last edited 5/14/18
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« Last post by Kerry on February 22, 2018, 11:39:04 AM »
Hi Trouble with Mother: You've described how screwed up your "Mom" is quite well; most would agree that you've mastered blaming. For example, a responsible person would have written, "My problem is the nonstop fights I've been having with my mother." Even better, ". . . the nonstop fights I've been causing with my mother." My reply will not support you in getting your mom to communicate positively with you. For that result you will first have to master intention, meaning that you have to intend that she communicates the way she does with you. * You can't change her and you don't have her permission to coach her. What you can do is fix you and in so doing create space for her to choose to heal, or not. The curriculum for you is courage, courage to tell the truth each and every time your mind wants to withhold a thought from her; verbalize your fear (as opposed to non-verbally communicating it) and in so doing disappear it. Most adults didn't learn this at your age when they were supposed to and so they have lived their entire life in fear of at least one person with whom they are afraid to speak with spontaneously; that person is usually one of their parents and their partner. I would have felt less concerned about you had you asked, "How do I get my mom to therapy?" or, "How do I stop causing arguments with my mother?" Now's the time to bring to the front of the mind one of life's truisms—[if you keep doing what you've been doing you'll keep producing more of the same undesirable results]. "Trying to make your Mom your No 1 priority" obviously hasn't worked, yet you still keep trying. One way to find out what a person has been up to in life (what they have been intending) is to look at the results they've been producing, not what they say they want. From your description she hasn't destroyed enough relationships in life to seek positive support; clearly the conversations between you negatively enabled her. It's interesting to note that you capitalize the word "Mom" and not the word "dad." I suspect you got your pattern of blaming from your mom. Once she drove her husband out of her life she needed another sparring partner so as to get her periodic fix of adrenaline. It's evident that reading your bible hasn't worked for you. Clearly you've been intent on failing with your mom and now covertly blame God's User Manual. Someone intent on not arguing simply walks away. Someone stuck in wanting to be right, and making another wrong, starts an argument and then lies about who started it. You should have learned by now that anything other than "trying" might just work; that you haven't learned this reveals that you have been damaged to the extant that you need as much therapy as your mom. Yes! Equally as much. A religious person intent on having things work goes to a bible-reading/interpreting coach (a.k.a. a clergy person), and gets coaching on how to formulate prayers that work. You obviously have not been asking "God" something He/She/It can grant. You have a misunderstanding about prayer. A responsibly worded prayer is always always answered. Put another way, you have two relationship problems—one with your mother, the other with God. When your relationship with God works it works for all of your other relationships. BTW: Very few people have a working (mutually satisfying) relationship with God, ergo most of them, especially their friends, are stuck in mediocrity. Test: When you're in-communication with God do you experience joyous love and ecstasy in that moment? If not, then you have been withholding significant thoughts from God. You've become stuck doing your imitation of communication with your mom. Communication always results in an experience of love, whereas, talking produces more of the same. You can use The Clearing Process to experience love, simply empty your mind to God. You have a serious problem. You've already been so abused that you no longer know right from wrong. For example: You make excuses for your abusive (yelling) mother; you are in denial. So what that she has fed you? So what that she has . . . etc.? That's her job. It is irresponsible of her to make you feel guilty for her doing her job. The truth is she is stuck in abusing you and your siblings. I say serious because you have no one to coach you about the ultimatum you're supposed to issue her. "Mom, get therapy to address your abusive angry yelling or I will report you to the authorities." (authorities meaning a teacher, school counselor, principal, clergy, or the police) If you don't have the courage to do it now you certainly won't when it's your intimate partner abusing you. And, no matter what you believe, unless you enroll yourself in coaching/counseling, you will magnetically attract an abusive partner. Why? Because you are already addicted to the abuse. To you verbal abuse means love. The longer you put off insisting that your mother get counseling the more damage you cause her to inflict upon your siblings. **Here's the steps to take: First, say the following words to your mom: "Mom, tell me something nice about me." Or, "Mom, thank me for doing the laundry." Or, "Mom, what have I done that so upsets you that you feel as though you have to yell at me?" "Mom, do you know that when you yell at me it doesn't feel good?" These examples are a responsible way of asking for the acknowledgement your mind needs to hear so as to be complete. Never ever, for even one second, think that you are better than others, that you don't REQUIRE acknowledgement. Your mind needs to hear very specific sentences so as to be complete. Only your mind knows what these sentences sound like and what it will feel like to hear them. When adults in a weekend-long relationship communication-skills workshop do the Acknowledgment Process the sounds of crying and mourning from a life-time of grief of not being acknowledged, of not being gotten ever, is beyond description. It's an amazing experience when one experiences their own magnificence. For example: You say to your mom. "Mom, say these words to me. 'I know it hurts when I yell at you. I also know that it hurts even more when I yell at you and I don't follow it up with an acknowledgment that I know it hurt you.'" Notice that you're not asking for an apology, simply an acknowledgment of what's so—her letting you know that she knows it didn't feel good, that it was abusive. You'll find that the more willing you are to ask for acknowledgment the sooner acknowledgments will start to come without asking. No one can possibly know all the wonderful things you've done (and so you need to ask until your ego no longer runs you). For myself and most others it takes decades of service to free one of the separation between self and the ego-mind. Just as you need to be acknowledged for all the good things you've done so too do you need to be acknowledged for all the perpetrations and withholds you've "forgotten" and stuffed. If you can't create someone with whom to be open and honest and spontaneous, zero significant withholds, then enter everything in a journal. You can also use the four free communication processes on The Clearing House. If you won't ask your mom these questions write to her saying that you want her to get abuse therapy or counseling. If after a week she has not sought help then tell her that if she doesn't get counseling within a week that she'll leave you with no responsible option but to bring in outside help. Note: She'll lead you to believe that she'll get counseling but a week later you'll notice that she hasn't; she'll have some "good sounding" reason(s). She is an abusive blaming addict. Addicts lie. She'll behave nicely for a few days and then resort back to yelling. Given that you are bound up by fear in your relationship with your mom, and most likely can't picture yourself telling her to get therapy, the next best thing is to discuss the problem with your spiritual leader or a school counselor—a responsible adult will effect a solution. My sense is that your addiction is such that you won't seek outside help so that you can continue to get your daily fix of abuse. Notice I didn't say, discuss the problem with a relative? All of your relatives are enablers; they all enable your mom in abusing you. Another, far better, option is to show your mom your letter and this reply. Keep in mind that part of your addiction to abuse is to apologize which you will automatically do later in life when your siblings ask, "Why didn't you do something?" And yes, telling an outsider is the same as "ratting on" or "reporting" your mom; it will cause her embarrassment and reveal the trouble she's already in. That's because she's already in trouble; she is wrong, she is mistreating her children and she needs therapy. The ideal is to give her a chance first and then, if she won't enroll herself in therapy, bring in help. She is unconsciously setting you up to support her in healing. In truth you must assume the role of her mother. For you to hang out with her (a blaming victim ***) invalidates your father who was smart enough to leave her; it's not unlike you walking away, arm-in-arm with someone who just beat up another, leaving the person on the ground still bleeding. Lastly, and most importantly: Any and all yelling is abusive, no matter what you read or who tells you otherwise. What's also true is that once a person acknowledges that they have been sick and stuck in abuse, they will try to stop but still continue yelling. They still won't have any choice but to react, to yell. The difference will be that they will have asked you for your support to acknowledge it (to mention it) when they have done it again. It's your job to point it out and to extract an acknowledgment, each and every time. You'd say to your mother, "Mom, that didn't feel good. I'd like to hear you tell me that you know it was abusive." If you "try" this now on your mom it won't work. She has yet to acknowledge to herself, or you, that she has been stuck in abuse, and, she has yet to ask for your support in completing her experience of abuse (see the Spouse Abuse Tutorial). She must first verbally acknowledge to you that she knows she has been abusive, and, that she'd like your support whenever you hear her being abusive. Eventually a person will arrive at choice, to clean it up himself or herself; eventually they will have a choice to not abuse. Once you've gotten into communication with your mother ask her to tell you what she did to drive your dad away. It will be very difficult for her to recall the first instance, the very first abusive communication between them, the one she caused and let slide, the consequences for which she is still paying. Most likely she's stuck in blame. She's yet to be acknowledged for having made something more important than her integrity. In other words, part of what's bothering her is that her integrity is out. She is paying herself back for a life-time of perpetrations. The Clearing Process for a Parent and Child will support both of you in restoring your integrity; it will open up the space for loving communications between you. BTW: If you don't clean up your relationship with your mom it's almost certain you'll be tempted to find yourself a boyfriend, someone whom you will manipulate into telling you that he loves you, so as to justify sex. Sex that replaces intimacy at home is but an imitation of intercourse and always has undesirable consequences. Such sex begins with the fact that you'll have to deceive your mother to pull it off, and, you'll blame her for the consequences of your deceit (as in "accidental" pregnancy). And, you'll have to con the boy into deceiving your mother and his parents, hiding his plans to seduce you from both sets of parents. It generates a mess that most adults (stuck in mediocre marriages) have yet to clean up. I'm certain your mom will tell you that she deceived her parents, she hid her plans to have sex from them, and, supported the boy in deceiving both families. Selecting a boy who condones deceit guarantees that there will eventually be deceit between you; there are no exceptions to this phenomena. You could start babysitting and offer to split the take with your mom. Show your letter and my reply to your mom. * Read The Zen Master Bird Poop Story** There are still cultures in which, when a young boy simply can't take it any more, beats up his father "behind the barn," which transforms the relationship from father-child to father-son-partner. Mature girls, to hurt-hit either parent, would often get pregnant or marry an abuser, so as to (get back at) to prove what a lousy job the parents did; others simply ran away rather than submit themselves to more abuse. *** I say "blaming victim" because I suspect that she still badmouths and blames your father for the separation, she has yet to tell the truth as to how she destroyed the relationship, how she, using her leadership-communication skills, magnetically (karmically), attracted him and then set him up to leave. It's possible that you think he was more abusive than she; with divorces there are no victims or bullies, only couples both equally addicted to abusing and to being abused; there are no exceptions. Thank you. Last edited 5/14/18
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« Last post by Kerry on February 22, 2018, 11:38:05 AM »
Hi Sad Girl: What would you say to a client who came to you with the same problem? It will happen. Hopefully you will say nothing and just "get" their thoughts as considerations and encourage them to talk. However, I'm a communication-skills coach and my ego is such that I think I might be able to facilitate you and others through this phase a bit quicker. There are two main issues: The first one is that you are at effect of your family and friends. This is typical, you're supposed to be going through this "at effect" phase. Just hang on. The ride will soon be over. You have yet to develop a strong sense of self and so you question and invalidate your own experience. I say "hang on" meaning, keep your mouth shut, which I know you can't consistently do yet. It will take longer to complete your experience of invalidation if you allow yourself to get suckered into arguments. Choose to experience the experience of invalidation rather than resist it (find the truth in it), and you will come out the other end empowered. Put another way, intend for them to be saying what they say. For example: There is a way to communicate other than how you have been, it's referred to as the intentional communication model. Actually it's a place to come from, to communicate from. You've been coming from victim. Instead of resisting them pooh-poohing your plans and advice-activity create that you are intending for them to say what they say. This is a powerful game to play. Walk into the kitchen and say (or non-verbally communicate), "OK naysayers, you're awful quiet today. Come on, gimme your best shot. Invalidate me with all you got." Or, "Tell me what you'd like to change about me." And then remain silent, no matter what you hear. Why? Because there is some truth in it. The criticism you can't be with, can't own, you'll be at effect of for life. With this intentional communication model you are tapping into the wisdom of other's. Find the truth in what you are causing them to say. Remember, they have no choice; they are addicted to putting others down. Have compassion. I say, "be silent" because silence will produce a different result. It will cause them to see that their communications had an effect, which is what this whole thing is about. They have a need to hurt you. Put another way, the look on your face when you've been invalidated and hurt is a truth they can recognize; it's far different than the look on your face when you're arguing. Arguing masks (denies) your experience. It doesn't communicate the truth. The truth is it hurts to be invalidated. They don't experience being gotten so they have to keep saying it. Something about how you have been communicating with others, your communication model, drives them to put you down. I suspect it's how you handle your brilliance, it can come across as condescending arrogance. Silence can, when communicated with intention, have an added possible positive effect; it can cause them to experience their integrity, of not feeling good about their abusive communication, in which case they might say, "I get that that didn't feel good." This is service at it's best. The second issue: We don't know if you have merely found a clever way to fight with your mother. Again, another typical phase you are supposed to go through. What we do know is that you are already stuck in the adversarial communication model. That's to be expected. Ninety-nine percent of the population is stuck in adversary, in abusing and being abused. How do we know that you are addicted to abuse? Because, whether you know it or not, you are causing it. You are unconsciously intending it. It's all part of your master plan. An actualized person would know that your family and friends need counseling and merely "get" their communications. If they said the ceiling was the floor, or some other obvious lie, you would know they need a reality-check if not therapy. You would not be questioning your experience of what you know to be so about floors and ceilings. So here they are saying obvious lies and you do something with the lies. You react. You argue. If only in your mind, you try to invalidate their lies, lies you ostensibly know come from unconsciousness and ignorance. Many an adult is stuck in a profession they are ill suited for or are not happy with because they are still resisting some communication their parent tried to deliver earlier. [I'll show you. You are wrong. I can do it. I will do it.] One gives up choice when they act against another. If another's words can thwart, dissuade, or upset you then you might consider another profession. Find someone, one person, with whom you can share your experience and thoughts about what comes at you (more accurately, what you cause others to say and do to you). In this way you'll not get stuck dramatizing them for life. One of the bennies of the mental health profession is that you are required to clear out, complete, all these kinds of incompletes during training, and for life thereafter. The President's Analyst is a hilarious movie that addresses this subject. It takes hundreds of hours of communication exercises for any adult to complete life's incompletes, their childhood invalidations; few learn how to communicate from their experience during childhood. Great letter, thank you, —Kerry PS: My advice is to major in speech-communication and minor in psychology and do your M.A. in psychology, and, assist in as many communication-skills workshops as possible. Take the fundamental communication course offered by Scientology (Dianetics) and do Landmark Education's Forum. Stay current with Werner Erhard's projects/interests (in my experience a master of communication). Also, read everything on Community Communications' especially The Clearing Process, the Teen Forum and the Big Island Forum —these all offer perspectives that are not commonly found. Note: It's not that any of these educational experiences themselves result in communication mastery, but they do give you an excellent foundation for recognizing the difference between talking and communicating and of knowing (an enhanced ability to predict outcomes). Also, such a curriculum supports the purpose of serving. Last edited 3/2/18
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« Last post by Kerry on February 19, 2018, 03:02:49 PM »
Hi Concerned: What a great letter, so responsible of you. There are thousands of readers who are also dragging around secrets that ought not to have been made. Such communications detract from ones aliveness, from the experience of being whole and complete. There is a way to undo such promises with integrity—keep reading.
Your parents were supposed to have taught you about secrets, more specifically, to not create space for another to dump stuff in your mind that becomes a problem for you, or presents you with an ethical dilemma. A "friend" doesn't do that to a friend. Notice that Zoe supports you in being deceitful with your parents. It’s unethical to ask someone to not tell others something. As with you, what Zoe manipulated you into not telling others conflicts with your own ethics. Incest is simply not something one is supposed to keep quiet about—in this case you are now a co-conspirator and responsible for the abuse.
Because of your maturity you have inspired confidence and trustworthiness and so you have discovered a pitfall about secrets. Most of us learn by making the mistake of agreeing to keep a secret that then turns into a conspiracy of ever-growing deceit. The secret-keeper is no longer a person of integrity. Parents who themselves operate from integrity and other conscious individuals can tell in a nano-second that the secret-keeper is hiding something; they don’t know what but they know there’s something in the space where communication used to take place. The openness, the aura of honesty is somewhat clouded over.*
Your parents should have told you earlier to let friends know, “I’m no good with secrets so don’t tell me anything you don’t want others to know. My parents and I talk about everything, we don’t hide anything from each other.”
Your concern reveals that you don’t have open and honest communication between you and your folks else you would have already discussed this with them with the confidence of knowing that it would be handled appropriately.
It could be said that you unconsciously set up your friend to dump this secret in your lap in support of you being open and honest with your parents. This is your integrity at work putting the finishing touches on your personal growth and character. It’s one of those forks in the road. You will either commit to being open and honest and spontaneous with your parents, and therefore your relationship-partners for life, or, you will bring your already ingrained pattern of withholding thoughts from, say, your husband as you do now with your parents. Millions of divorced couples will attest that their marriage started to go south when they chose to withhold thought number one from their partner sometime at the very beginning of the relationship (usually on the very first date). The time to practice communicating openly and honestly and spontaneously is now with your parents.
Notice also that you have not discussed your concerns with Zoe. This is another example of how ingrained your pattern of withholding thoughts has become. A person committed to being in-integrity could no more have walked away from that conversation with Zoe than they could ignore a grain of sand in their eye. You felt as badly and confused then, as she was telling you her drama, as you do now; something was sapping your consciousness, you didn’t spontaneously share your considerations at the moment with her. Now you are even more out-integrity, dragging this problem around from class to class trying to learn subject matter with this crap partially occupying your mind. The problem reveals that you were out-integrity about something before that conversation with Zoe; you had been hiding something from your parents—but that’s another letter.
Here’s an example of the content of your conversation with Zoe should have been about:
“Wow Zoe. I sure am uncomfortable with the thought of having to keep that a secret from my parents; we are committed to talking about everything, no secrets. Your Mom should have reported the abuse to the police. She should have insisted upon counseling and most importantly she should have initiated a divorce. It’s simply unethical of her to submit you to the remote possibility that it may happen again. It reveals how much she needs therapy, that she could be so unconscious, so not in communication with your Dad, that she couldn't tell what was going on right under her nose. Can you see this? Do you get what I’m saying? Do you see that your silence rewards abuse? Do you see that your Mom is sick and needs help? I need you to tell me that you know this. Would you be willing to tell your mother that if she doesn't report this to the authorities then she leaves you no option but to report them yourself? It’s so bad Zoe that if you don’t do this, you’ll leave me no choice but to tell my folks whom I’m certain will ask you the same questions. They will ask you to ask your Mom to turn herself in or they will have no choice but to report your parents. Yours is a cry for help.”
As you read this reply your mind began manufacturing considerations (thoughts and reasons) as to why you couldn't do the right thing, to tell Zoe, “Tell your Mom to report herself to child welfare or that you will tell your parents.” Those are just considerations. If you believe them (buy into them) those reasons will serve as barriers to the experience of communication between you and everyone for the rest of your life. That’s how important this fork in the road is. It’s so important that it’s one of those rare instances in which I’m not willing to be in communication with you via the Teen Forum until you can tell me that you've confided with your parents about this. For me to not issue this ultimatum to you would make me the enabler of the sex abuse between Zoe and her Dad. Your promise, your secret, is having a powerful effect on many lives. —Kerry
* It's important you know that if you ride along as a passenger with someone who parks and robs a store and (accidentally kills someone) you also go to prison as the co-conspirator.
Last edited 3/2/18
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