HI NEEDS: Your friend is revealing what’s next for you in your leadership-communication skills curriculum. Go back in time, to the first day you found out she had smoked. What you communicated then sanctioned and rewarded her behavior. It’s called enabling. It was supposed to be the turning point in the relationship. How did she know, with absolute certainty, that you would continue interacting with her? How did she know that you wouldn’t have asked her, “Have you told your parents?" followed with, "I’m uncomfortable with you smoking, and, with you deceiving them, and, in you not valuing me enough to talk about it with me before trying it. Will you stop doing it as of now? If not, please call when you have not smoked for 6-months in a row.”
What she has done is tantamount to lighting up a cigar in front of the Pope. It's a powerful communication of disrespect. It reveals that you both have been
withholding dozens of thoughts between you. Thoughts withheld serve as barriers to the experience of love and respect. The concept of love might be there, what's missing is the experience.
Now here’s what it’s really about for you: If you don’t get this now, you’ll be writing again, telling us your relationship partner is either smoking or cheating on you. How do we know? We know because you don’t communicate your expectations and standards up front in your relationships. A mature actualized person of integrity doesn't even have to verbalize standards/expectations, they are simply communicated non-verbally—it's an aura of integrity.
For example:
". . . by the way, before we date, I need you to know that I believe that marriage vows should contain the following
agreement— “If either of us cheats on the other the other immediately files for divorce (with zero possibility of reconciliation), and, the cheater agrees they will not sue for custody, alimony, or property settlements. The same goes for smoking, drugs, and prison; I am totally unwilling to play the drugs, cheating, prison visits, or victim games. Cheating would be my partner's way of communicating that they insist I divorce them, that they no longer want to be married to me. There will be no second chance. If this is a problem for you? Now would be the perfect time to say so. —What are your thoughts about this vow? By the way, no premarital sex." Or, ". . . my parents want to meet you to talk about how we'll handle a possible
accidental pregnancy."
Because you weren’t conscious (you could not be up-front and honest about drugs) with your friend you’ll have to present your ultimatum now. My sense is that you won’t—that you’ll continue interacting with her, (mostly irresponsible non-verbal shunning) supporting her deception with her parents, so that you don’t have to experience the pain of loneliness. That is to say, you are addicted to being invalidated (it’s called abuse). To support another in deceiving (abusing) another (her parents) sets life up for others to support others in deceiving you. In this case, your non-verbal communications to her parents are powerful, they are having powerful consequences. It could be said that she has set you up to support her in recreating the experience of integrity with her parents.
It could also be said that you unconsciously set her up to set you up to have a choice, to go for it or to opt for a life of mediocrity.
You need communication-skills coaching. We know this because you don’t yet know, at the level of natural knowing, that communication only takes place in space. You attempted to communicate into a position. Her position is, [I have smoked. I will smoke. Nothing you can say will cause me to stop now.] At some point in time you'll realize that you unconsciously intended her to be doing this, for you, in support of your growth, your maturity.
I suspect that you have not discussed this problem with your parents. How you handle this will determine if your daughter will be open and honest with you—zero significant thoughts withheld between you.
The truth is you offer her no intelligent mind-expanding game to play. No alternative except for more
mediocrity. She, like many, has succumbed to the futility of it all. She sees what’s happening in the world, the hypocrisy, including yours, and the hypocrisy she succumbs to when in your presence. She can’t find anyone who tells the truth, who inspires her. Smoking is a way to check out, a way to go unconscious. For some it’s a necessary (illegal but not "morally wrong") path. Most people need to hit bottom before choosing to have life work. If you get in the way, it delays their process.
FYI: I know of no one who smokes who is making a positive contribution to his/her community. Some awesome minds have addressed their community's problems.
* Most activists peter out after one or two projects, many resort to marijuana. Smoking eventually takes one
inside the mind, as opposed to out into the world of mastering personal relationships, organization relationships, community relationships, and societal (the world/international community relationships), each with its own communication model to master.
Weed supports one in putting up with things. Don’t buy the supposed “expanded experience of love” benefits of smoking grass. The “love” that is experienced is at the expense of the support of others.
A smoker consistently "forgets" to call his/her friends frequently to see what they are up to, what their goals are, and what tasks they would put off except for their mutual support—therefore it is not an expandable mutually satisfying love. The vast majority of smokers are estranged from their parents. That is to say, they do not have a mutually satisfying supportive relationship with their parents; to this day they have dozens of withholds, deceits, and unacknowledged perpetrations with them. Although smoking may cause one to have the thought to call those they have ignored/abused/deceived and clean things up,
** they are still missing the communication skills to do so through to mutual satisfaction, so most don’t even try. Their mind has invented a good reason to not. Most smokers are unconsciously committed to having their parents fail and to not feel proud and accomplished. Few smokers can communicate as openly and freely with their drug-free parents as they can and do with fellow smokers.
Yours is a valuable letter for others to read, thank you, Kerry
* Confucius died a failure, his philosophy was only accepted after he died.
** One of the 12-steps for AA members is to call and make amends with those they've abused while drinking. Most adults will tell you they have never received a call
any from any one of the millions and millions of people who regularly attend Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. An AA member's mind is so out-integrity, so clouded with incompletes, that they simply can't recall (without coaching or a
clearing process) life's unacknowledged perpetrations.
PS: A tip about "
accidental" pregnancies.
Last edited 4/28/18
