Hi Confused: The source of your problem has to do with the way you communicate, your leadership-communication skills.
* Your parents, friends, and teachers have taught you to operate from blame and victim. You have yet to learn how to communicate responsibly. No need to feel badly, I know of no university that requires education majors to be able to quote a definition of the word
responsible; consequently, no two teachers in any school have the same definition of the word. This partly explains why a smoker successfully sued a cigarette company for lung cancer.
Your letter reveals that you are an unconscious con. You are not acknowledging the con you're running on Jason. This causes you to be a liability to both of you and your respective futures. Reading this reply will support you with your communication mastery curriculum.
You used the promise of sex to attract and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. We know this is true because that's the result your leadership-communication skills produced. Using your wily ways you've set him up to beg. It's called manipulation. One good test is to ask if a Nun would advise different clothing when you're going out on a date.
I need to mention here how important it is to discuss
up-front who pays for what—in the likely event of an "accidental" pregnancy—until the child's 18th birthday. I say "likely" because if you support deceiving both sets of parents then karmically you are ripe for undesirable results.
BTW: You're supposed to be having these conversations with your parents.
Your con includes saying the word, "no" but to non-verbally communicate ". . . keep trying, I'll eventually give in, and when I do I'll make you feel guilty for pressuring me into having sex." Your integrity is such that you're ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you. Did I mention "respective futures"? Any idea how many girls started high school with the idea of having a successful career but instead unconsciously opted for (intended) pregnancy and then became preoccupied playing house and soccer mom?
A responsible young woman tells the truth and as such, when she says, "No sex," she means what she says and the boy is absolutely clear that that's the way it will be. The "no" is communicated with the intention for it to be gotten (recreated, owned, and respectfully supported) and so the boy knows there is absolutely no hope. This gives the boy a clear choice, to continue dating you solely because he enjoys you, and/or, to look elsewhere for a sex partner.
"No," when communicated (with an intention for it to be gotten) instantaneously transforms the relationship;
it creates a context of respect. Conversely, "no," when said, but not meant, when it's a lie, the lie is soon revealed after
you intend more foreplay. When the "no" is a lie it immediately grants the boy permission to keep trying
with the implied promise of success. It causes struggle, confusion, arguments, and broken agreements—
breakdowns in communication—respect is somewhat diminished between them.
It's unbecoming of you to be pretending that you don't know that his mind, instead of studying (in every class and when at home supposedly doing homework) is partially preoccupied about sex with you;
it conclusively proves that you don't have his best interests at heart.
How does a boy know the difference between the two no's? One way he can tell is if you've already said no to something and then set him up to talk you into a yes. Another way is if he has observed you deceiving your parents, lying to them and others, or, if you non-verbally condone his lying to his parents, or deceptions to others. Non-verbal support of his unethical behaviors causes him to disrespect you. He's not aware that he doesn't totally respect you it just gets dramatized in his behaviors with you.
** I inserted the word
totally to make the point even though it's redundant.
Note: He doesn't have to witness or even hear about a lie to know you don't treat your parents with respect, it's an aura/attitude thing.
Boys intuitively know that daughters who don't have a nurturing supportive loving relationship with their fathers are lonely and ripe for the picking. The magic words that guarantee sex are, "I love you" exactly what he knows you need to hear.
On the other hand, fathers who arrogantly (I can raise my daughter myself, I don't need no stink'n help) refuse to get coaching on how to have a supportive, loving, hugging, open and honest relationship with their daughter, drive (yes drive) their daughter into the arms of boys stuck in sexist, condescending behaviors—boys who have not been taught by their father how to treat women with respect. Both teens, wanting love and approval, opt for the next best thing, sex.
All interactions (all conversations) between teens who have sex, who also do not have open, honest and spontaneous communication with their parents, are merely doing their
imitation of communication with everyone, each doing his/her imitation of communication with the other. Such interactions guarantee (yes guarantee) little if any joy and happiness. Whatever moments of laughter they have are but peak moments, as with drugs, and cannot not be sustained, or created at will, in the light of day. What they call love is not love because it's founded upon deceptions; the look of guilt is just behind the happy-acting smile. In other words,
if you plan, have, and then hide your first sex, then you've ripped off your parents big-time. The "first time" is supposed to be a joyous experience to be shared and laughed about with both families. Such conversations disappear shame and embarrassment, and, most importantly, preclude the consequences of guilt (guilt affects ones ability to be, to concentrate (as with studying), and to be creative).
You write, "I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I'm married." This is a lie. What's so is you were
told that your virginity is special. Telling someone about an ideal is different than communicating/teaching it. We wouldn't be having this conversation if your parent's wishes had in fact been communicated (taught, learned, & owned). Have you asked your parents if they were virgins? I suspect not, and, that they weren't.
You write: "... but I'm worried he might pressure me into something I don't want to do..." This reveals your addiction to blaming. A responsible sentence would read: "... but I'm worried I might pressure him into wanting something we may later regret. Clearly I'm not aware of my intentions."
Parents who are not clear about the differences between considerations, wants, wishes, and intentions, most often end up with a teen stuck in thwarting disrespectful, deceitful, rebellious behaviors.
"Virginity" is your parent's "good" idea. You haven't told them that you are confused and have doubts, that you have been considering having sex—not, going to have sex—merely thinking about it. The fact that you aren't being honest with your parents indicates that your honest act with them and others is just that, an act.
How can Jason possibly respect someone who deceives her parents?
Keep in mind, a boy who doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his parents
will tell you anything your mind needs to hear so as to get you to have sex, and, he'll lie and tell you it's the truth (and you, because you intend to be conned, will pretend to believe him). From the very beginning a boy watches and listens for subtle communications from you so as to learn what to say, what you need to hear, to justify breaking the implied abstinence agreement you have with your parents. Quite often the magic words are, "I love you." —the very words that are seldom, if ever, heard between parents at home. The fact that he'd be willing to talk you into having sex without the support of your parents reveals that he'd deceive his own parents as well. In other words, your
first with him would not be the exquisite spiritual experience of intercourse.
Most parents who give their child "virginity" advice do so from hypocrisy. Few share their own sex history with their child. Parents have so many unacknowledged withholds (deceits and perpetrations) between themselves that they have become stuck doing their
imitation of communication. As such, their "truths" and wisdom don't get gotten. They've lost their ability to distinguish between lecturing and communicating. Very few parents have learned how to create a safe space for the truth to be told. Virginity becomes yet another belief such as Santa Claus and what happens when we die.
Re: "I know he wants to lose his virginity to me." I'm assuming here you mean that he also is a virgin, if so, this places a tremendous responsibility upon you—to ensure that you're both in-integrity so that it's a most joyous experience (clean sheets or the backseat of a car, zero worries about getting caught). If
you're not comfortable talking about sex, (if you haven't taught him how to masturbate you through to climax) then you will most certainly will be at effect of the entire process. That's the huge advantage of communicating vs. talking;
communication automatically disappears all fears and considerations. All thoughts must be shared verbally for true intercourse to take place. If one partner is withholding thoughts (deceiving) his/her parents then what happens is an imitation of sex. True [breathing together] intercourse takes place in the space of two who are in-integrity.
The vast majority of parents had deceitful sex behind their own parent's backs; they continue to have unacknowledged withholds between themselves—their relationship is rife with
breakdowns in communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomena.
A girl cannot respect a boy she can con just as a boy cannot respect a girl whom he can con (read talk into/manipulate).
How can Jason respect himself knowing that he's totally willing to con you into disobeying and deceiving your father?
What few are willing to acknowledge is that the words "no, not until I'm married" when said, and then retracted, say the week before the wedding, makes the "no" a lie. It creates thereafter an unconscious condition of disrespect. Your no's don't always mean no. "H'm, maybe she doesn't really mean I can't have sex with other women."
President Clinton knew, with absolute certainty, that Hillary's no's didn't mean no, and, that she would not divorce him in the middle of his presidency; she virtually gave him permission to mess around. Imagine the outcome had she, during the campaign, communicated, "If you cheat on me I'll divorce you, even in the middle of your presidency."
All (yes all) divorced individuals who caused infidelity during their marriage withheld a significant thought from their date on their first date—there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.One thing we know is that Jason is not loving you experientially, however, he most likely does love you conceptually. The difference between conceptual love and experiential love is that with the latter there is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, zero significant withholds. It's referred to as being in-integrity; this way of communicating, this communication model, when practiced at your age becomes an automatic behavior you'll use in your close adult relationships. You're supposed to learn this communication model by practicing now, at home with your parents. What you and Jason have is an "honest act" with each other. It's turned on and off depending upon whom you are with. The proof is that you talk about things with each other, and your friends, that you hide from your parents.
In the process of growing up you have the opportunity to master intercourse. Beautiful exquisite intercourse is mostly foreplay, most of which consists of thousands and thousands of open, honest, and spontaneous conversations/communications/interactions with everyone in both families. It is sheer arrogance of you to think that you will be able to both create and sustain a nurturing relationship without the support of both sets of parents and all your friends. Read
Creating a Marriage Vow that Precludes Cheating and
Wedding Guest Vows.
Once you are clear that all lies, all truths, all
unacknowledged perpetrations, have consequences you will know that there are no accidental pregnancies, only pregnancies caused by girls who unconsciously intend to get caught for their lies and deceits to their teachers and parents. Many a pregnant high school girl will tell you that it was not until after she manipulated the guy into "accidentally" impregnating her that she became aware that she used him as a socially acceptable way of not having to study hard and go to college and become a financially responsible professional. She can, with coaching, also acknowledge that she was unconsciously intent on thwarting him by controlling his financial status (child support for 18-years), possibly preventing him from going to college. Later in life couples wonder where their spouse's "spiteful" anger comes from during the divorce settlement negotiations;
few are aware that it might have something to do with having talked their date into having sex instead of supporting him/her in getting good grades. That is to say, eventually each will come to harbor resentment towards the other, each for running their con on the other (blame blame).
If you love him take control other than by using sex. Given that we cannot not con others, con him into succeeding and being considerate and honest. The communication-leadership skills it takes to support him honoring agreements, and keeping his mind on his studies, are the same ones that will work for you later in life. Most wives will tell you they've lost, if they ever had, the ability to inspire their husband to opt for healthy, growth-producing choices. I'm speaking here about wives whose leadership-support skills have produced social alcoholics, overweight couch potatoes who must be nagged to do even a small portion of his share of household chores, whose husbands haven't read a book since school and who refuse to go to counseling or dance classes. That is to say, one cannot not support. How one communicates and relates with others either supports growth and aliveness and energy or supports one in succumbing to energy-sapping, blaming mediocrity. The way to tell what you've been up to is to look at the results those close to you are producing.
* The way
you communicate, your present communication model, is what's referred to as the Adversarial Communication Model. Adversaries hide things, certain thoughts, from those they are close to, so as to survive yet another day without coming clean. They are deceitful just as you are being deceitful with your parents. You are afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to talk about what's going on between you and Jason with your parents. You support Jason in being deceitful with your parents. He can't say to your father, "Hey, I'm trying to talk your daughter into having sex with me, can you put in a good word? You have my word that if I get her pregnant I will pay child support, for life." Jason supports you in deceiving your parents, in going behind their backs to make out. He is out-integrity. He doesn't even communicate openly and honestly with his own parents. A relationship founded upon deceit is doomed to mediocrity.
** Disrespects are communicated via humorous condescensions such as "Nice going klutz." or broken time agreements.
Great letter for many. Do show this reply to Jason. If you're absolutely intent on success in life show it to Jason and your parents also. —Thank you, Kerry
PS: If you truly want to make a difference make several copies of this letter to leave on desks and bulletin boards, or send (anonymously if need be) to your school newspaper editor; it will generate thousands of valuable conversations.
PPS: Here's a supportive article:
Do you need to be deceived, cheated on?
Last edited 5/11/18
