Communication Game for Couples—those in an intimate relationship:
The following conversation topics are for primary relationship couples. The topics support mutually satisfying, open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no thoughts withheld.
If after reading this you realize that you're afraid to ask your partner to do the communication game with you, then it's possible you have been masterminding a divorce (albeit unconsciously).
* —with that in mind, either way you handle this invitation is a fork in the road—more of the same or a new 'n improved relationship. It's an experience of choice.
The premise: Once you consciously choose to
withhold a thought from your partner you have unethically, abusively, doomed them to a life of mediocrity;
You will continue to cause upsets
** and
breakdowns in communication—with little or no joy or ecstasy—
and, you'll find yourself blaming them. Your integrity affects everyone with whom you relate. One cannot experience the experience of love and have withholds with another. Love and deceit cannot exist in the same space (what most call love is merely the concept of love). Until
you choose to be open and honest neither you nor your partner can experience the joy, of being in-communication (of genuine intercourse), of love.
Questions for couples to take turns asking each other:
- When was the last time a communication of mine didn't feel good?
- What thought are you withholding from me?
- What would you change about me?
- Tell me what you like about me.
- For what would you like to be acknowledged?
- Do you want our child to grow up to be exactly like*** you?
- Do you want our child to grow up to be exactly like your father?
- Do you want our child to grow up to be exactly like your mother?
- Do you want our child to grow up to be exactly like your mother-in-law?
- Do you want our child to grow up to be exactly like your father-in-law?
The answers are unimportant. What is important is that both partners feel free to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero fear of withholding any thought between themselves and both sets of parents. Sharing with another, "I've had the thought that I think you're a jerk" when communicated with the intention to be able to communicate more effectively with each other, does in fact transform the relationship.
* All divorced couples simultaneously withheld specific thoughts from each other on their first date, thereby unconsciously granting each other permission to deceive the other (both brought their addiction to deceit into the relationship; such thoughts are usually considered to be deal-breaking). With 44+ years of coaching thousands I have not found any exceptions to this entanglement-like phenomenon—Kerry
For example: A deal-breaking thought is one which, if shared verbally, would most likely result in them not wanting to date you again. Examples: Herpes or an STD, prior physical abuse, police record, exaggerations, you have children, another would be upset if they knew you were dating, expecting/planning to have or not have sex, and the biggie, a
dysfunctional family from whom you have not responsibly estranged yourself (a family addicted to blaming, abuse, and arguing, one you will submit your partners to)—definitely not a gift of love. BTW: We are always communicating our withholds non-verbally. Others experience us as completely open and honest or somewhat emotionally bound up. Read
Must-reads for engaged couples.
** The cause of, the source of, a prolonged upset, one that's carried forward into similar arguments, is never ever what either believe it to be. In truth,
both are withholding their thought of choice from the other.
*** "Exactly like" meaning: Similar disposition, same commitment to honesty, leadership-communication skills, same degree of respect for all others.
Engaged couples will get value from reading
Must-have conversations during your engagement.
Last edited 3/14/24[/list]
