Hi Big Brother: It's so mature of you to reach out like this. It's exactly what you're supposed to do. Your sadness is appropriate, let the tears flow, and if you can, breathe deeply while crying, it helps to complete the trauma. I say breathe because if you don't choose to breathe you'll find yourself holding your breath which keeps the pain and hurt inside. Exhaling exhales the hurt. Breathing ensures that each cry is about a new hurt rather than crying about the same hurt over and over as some adults do; some are still crying about the same thing they were crying about at your age. Breathing
and talking about it completes each experience of sadness.
Your parents are stuck in abuse, abusing each other and their two children. They both need an equal amount of professional help (therapy/counseling/coaching). They are unconscious, not totally awake; else they'd be able to see the fear and sadness on the faces of their children. Very few parents treat each other abusively by choice. They are programmed like a computer to goad and react and argue, to blame and make each other wrong; they have in fact lost their ability to communicate upsets
responsibly, (from cause) and so they blame each other for their upset. What's so is they are continually dramatizing old upsets, some of which happened when they were your age.
Sadly, school teachers are not taught how to communicate anger and so they can't/don't teach that skill to their students. My point being, it's not your parent's fault, they have not been taught how to communicate responsibly; they are mirroring their teachers and their own parents.
Your letter seems to indicate that you have not taken sides, that you don't think one parent is more argumentative than the other. That's great, it's very smart of you. Sometimes one parent will look/sound like they are more abusive, more angry, than the other. An unconscious observer might be fooled into thinking that one is the poor victim and that the other starts the arguments, but you and I know we always start the arguments in which we "find" ourselves, so too do each of your parents. If you hang around someone who is angry quite frequently then you become responsible for the arguments you trigger with them simply by rewarding their behavior with your presence; you become cause for what you say you don't want. In other words, living a lie, saying you want harmony but hanging around a fighter, has undesirable consequences. Blaming another for fights you create (or create space for) is irresponsible.
You ask what to do. The first thing you can do is show them your excellent letter and this reply, after which several things might happen. They might feel so guilty that they'll decide to do therapy together. While this might sound like a good thing it rarely is because fighting parents seldom do enough counseling to stop the arguing completely—enough to locate the source of their anger. Another thing you might notice is that they'll stop arguing for a few days, or even lowering their voices, or going outside to argue. This will only be a temporary fix. Most likely what will happen is your parents will decide to divorce. And while this thought might pain you at first, it will fix the problem but it will create another one. Unfortunately, you'll still have to live with one of them; usually the one who is the better con, the one who can convince a judge that he/she is less abusive).
The truth is they are both equally abusive. Most judges are unconscious.
Often what happens when parents divorce is: A judge decides who's the best con. For example: One parent might say, "Judge, the children will be better off with me." What judges know, but can't do anything about (unless both parents are beating their child), is that in a child custody case letting the winner take care of you is like letting you be raised and trained by the best con, a person addicted to lying, blaming, and abusing. i.e. "
But judge, I'm not as abusive as my spouse therefore the children will be better off with me." Unless the parent who is awarded primary custody of the children is required to complete a minimum of 25-hours of counseling the divorced single parent most likely will carry on the fighting with the spouse, even though they don't live in the same house,
or in your case he/she will start snapping at/fighting with you and your sister. Abuse addicts need a periodic fix. Arguing generates adrenaline which acts like a drug. Once the spouse is gone there's no one left to argue with so as to get their adrenaline fix.
Remember, the nice, meek, quiet, innocent-looking parent (or aunt/uncle/grandparent) is always always
as abusive as their partner; they start their fights non-verbally so it's hard for an observer to notice who started it. Part of his/her con is to manipulate others into thinking their partner is more abusive. Quite often one will non-verbally goad their partner into hitting them so as to get agreement from others that they are not as abusive as the hitter. Only a person addicted to abusing and being abused attracts and marries an abusive partner. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon.
Many children your age, who are experiencing such abuse at home, immerse themselves in school or sports or other extra outside-the-house activities; some opt for premature intimate relationships.
All kids who do drugs are driven to do so because both parents are stuck doing their
imitation of communication. These children don't have even one person (not even a teacher) with whom they can communicate, (talk yes, communicate no) so as to validate their sanity, so as to get high from the experience of communication. Many do their homework at school or the library and play sports or get a part-time job so as to spend as little time at home as possible. It's possible you could support your sister in enrolling in some activity, dance or music classes, sports, or a youth group. This will have two advantages: You'll both meet other children and adults and possibly be able to discuss the problem. i.e. You could ask a new friend, "Do your parents fight?" The more conversations you have about this, the more people you share this with, the sooner you will complete your trauma—
even though you don't think of yourself as having been traumatized. In other words, if you describe this in detail about 1000 times with others (
yes 1000 times) it will prevent you from behaving the same way when you grow up. You will in fact prevent the automatic programming that comes from such abuse.
If you feel courageous you could talk about the problem with a teacher or school counselor however, they
will call your parents so it's best to tell your folks that you're going to tell someone if they don't get counseling on their own. In other words, it's not nice to talk stink behind another's back unless you've told them that you'll do so if they don't get counseling. Remember, they are unconscious so they don't know how much their fights hurt you and your sister. They think they know, they will tell you they know, but they are so unconscious that at the moment they are verbally hitting each other they have no choice other than to continue verbally hitting you both. Being right, making another wrong, becomes more important than loving.
". . . a child shall lead them." You have the opportunity to make a tremendous contribution to your parents and your sister.
Here's a communication tip that might be of value.
Please let me know what happens.
With aloha, Kerry
BTW: If you the reader have, or know of, a similar situation you can email them this URL or show this letter to others—even leaving this letter in someone's mail box will make a difference. Non-verbal communications condone and support undesirable behaviors.
Last edited 5/12/18
