Big Island Forum
Big Island Forum => Community Blog -- Click "New Topic" to post your thoughts. => Topic started by: Kerry on February 01, 2009, 01:10:57 AM
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"All energy and money spent on preventing, eliminating, reducing, or controlling abuse is to no avail until we agree on its definition." Kerry, from the Spouse Abuse Tutorial (http://www.comcom121.org/abuse/about2.htm).*
Presently there is no accepted definition of the word abuse. Parents, teachers, even judges have no reference to use as the authoritative definitive definition.
There are many reasons why no one, no organization, no committee, no authority has defined abuse. One reason is because of the many belief systems. In some cultures it's acceptable to cut the tip off of a boy's penis (circumcision--thereby denying the boy certain pleasures, for life (http://www.comcom121.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=691)); the child cries with pain and onlookers applaud and reaffirm their reasons for the procedure. Communications/actions that are in-integrity require no reasons, explanations, or justifications.
Examples of abuse:
- In some cultures and households hitting (spanking (http://www.comcom121.org/abuse/spank1.htm)) a child is not considered abusive.
- In some cultures and households yelling at another is not considered abusive. Or, it is acknowledged that it is abusive but rationalized, "...everyone does it."
- Cheating on one's spouse is considered unacceptable behavior but it's seldom acknowledged as spousal abuse.
- Most teens have never seen/heard a parent acknowledge to the other, "I get that I was just being abusive."
- Lying to someone, telling them you'll do something, say pick them up at 6:00 pm, and not doing it, or being late, is merely considered rude or inconsiderate, seldom is it acknowledged as abusive.
- Badmouthing someone (in Hawaii it's referred to as "talking stink") behind his/her back is not considered abusive except to the person who eventually hears the gossip from another.
- Not returning something borrowed on time (often requiring a reminder) is not considered abusive yet it does upset the loaner.
A person who is addicted to abuse will usually get upset when they read the above; they have no choice because it attacks their reality. The mind is programmed to defend its belief system.
Please add your thoughts and edits to the following definition:
* Here's the definition of the word abuse that we'll be using throughout the tutorial.
Abuse: 1) Any interaction, any communication (verbal-nonverbal-psychic), that detracts from the aliveness, well-being, or serenity of another. 2) A way of acting, to include silence, withholding the truth or parts of it, avoiding (not answering a question), lying, frowning, pouting, smirking, stink-eye, thwarting, insulting, putting down, invalidating, condescension, raised voice, frightening, upsetting, shocking, yelling, screaming, jabbing, pushing, shoving, jerking, grabbing, yanking, pulling another's arm in upset, spanking, slapping, bringing to one's senses with a loving firm slap, hitting, punching, or kicking.
Equally important: It is abusive to create space for the above.
- Space here refers to your ground of being. Setting up another to abuse you is abusive.
- It's the unconscious signals that emanate from you. Some people call it one's aura.
- Without you in a person's life, the content of your life and theirs would be different.
- Knowing you have no business being in a personal relationship, that you need therapy, that no one around you can be happy in your present condition, and going another twenty-four hours without getting help, is abusive to anyone in your life.
- Creating space for abuse is also called entrapment (http://www.comcom121.org/abuse/about4.htm#entrapment)
Communicate: You cannot not communicate. It's mostly our unconscious nonverbal communications that cause the damage. It's the silent waves of disrespect, condescension, self-righteous judgementalness, and unhappiness, that emanate from us that invalidates another. It pierces their soul and hurts them.
Read Potential Rumor: Local Health Care Orgs Commit to Defining Abuse (http://www.bigislandforum.org/forums/index.php/topic,2304.0.html).
Last edited 8/7/22