Reading comprehension barriers

The following was submitted via the Teen Topic Request Form

Date: Sunday November 23, 2003

The foremost barrier to comprehending what you have just read is that you have thoughts floating around in your mind occupying space, taking up room, getting in the way of understanding. In communication jargon these thoughts are called incompletes. Incompletes serve as barriers to you being here now. The same goes for remembering (taking a test).

If you’ll notice these thoughts are there even when you’re in a conversation with another. The other person is talking and your mind is rampant with thoughts, formulating what you are going to say next even before they have completed what they are saying. You’ll notice that you’re your mind is judging them, evaluating them, and stuffing many of your thoughts. You’re thinking, “What a jerk” but not communicating it verbally, only nonverbally.

What are some of these incompletes? You lied to your mother and told her you did your homework. You told someone you’d return their book and you haven’t. You badmouthed someone behind his or her back. You yelled rudely/sassed (was abusive) to your father. Your father yelled at you, treated you rudely, insulted you, said abusive things to you (or your mother) and has yet to acknowledge (clean it up) that he knows he did that (each yelling/abusive communication/incident must be cleaned up for you to experience being complete with your parents). You have stolen something and have justified it and have managed to keep the incident in the back of your mind but you know it’s still bothering you.

However, the biggest barriers to getting another’s communication, a book author’s communication to you, a teacher’s instructions/explanation, are all the conversations you’ve had that did not end mutually satisfying. These incidents cloud your mind.

For example: If when you were ten your mother asked you, “Did you brush your teeth?” and you lied and said yes, and (here’s the important part), you have never acknowledged to her or anyone, that you lied, —that thought, that incomplete, that less-than-mutually satisfying communication (you didn’t feel good about yourself afterwards) is still rattling around in your mind occupying space. It’s called being out integrity. Most all adults have yet to be acknowledged for their very first lie. They honestly, arrogantly, think they got away with it. They are totally unaware that that lie is still effecting outcomes (it’s still having consequences) to this very day. An honest person, (a person in-integrity) can look at them and tell that they are not a totally honest, not quite a totally trustworthy person. It’s an aura kind of thing. A person of integrity is a safe space to tell the truth to. One finds themselves communicating openly and honestly and spontaneously, zero thoughts withheld in the presence of a person of integrity.

Continuing with the toothbrushing lie example: All adults lie several times each day, including teachers. Most lie so much that they have become used to it. Quite often they can’t hear themselves lie the “small” “white” unconscious lies. What’s interesting is that teens can hear their lies. Lies such as: “I’ll pick you up at 5:00” “I’ll be with you in a minute” “If you don’t stop, I’ll….” "I told you not to do that again….” “Always tell the truth….” Etc. Why can teens hear adult’s lies? It’s because a teen’s mind is still relatively clear, free from a lifetime of accumulated unacknowledged perpetrations, withholds and deceits. As a communication-skills coach it take me about 60 hours to clear the average adult of all their unacknowledged out-integrities (it’s a sit-down face-to-face communication process.)

The key word in the last sentence is “unacknowledged.” This is the answer to your reading comprehension inquiry. The way to create space for communication to take place is to empty your mind. Empty it of all thoughts you are withholding from others. Clean up (acknowledge) all unacknowledged lies and perpetrations. Catholics have a great tool they use. It’s called confession. Most Catholics realize that they can lie and cheat and have impure thoughts as long as they are willing to go to confession once a week and communicate all of them to their priest. The problem with the confession process, in terms of communication mastery, is the penance tacked on at the end. Confessing involves feeling bad (guilty) and receiving a penance (punishment). There’s other stuff, like fear of going to hell, etc. that’s associated with the whole belief system. The problem with this communication model is that the majority of Catholics goes out and does the same thing the next week. Feeling bad about something and receiving a judgment, even a comment from another, causes one to repeat the undesirable behavior. However, the point is, that Catholics do get to feel good and have some space for at least a few hours after they have confessed. Providing they are really honest with their priest and communicate all their impure thoughts, they are in a condition called in-integrity when they leave.

So, how does all this information help you? You need to find one person with whom you can tell everything to. Someone with whom you can share everything with, your perpetrations, withholds and judgments, and especially the “sick” and “weird” thoughts. It’s understood that most teens cannot communicate openly and honestly and spontaneously with their parents, they cannot tell everything to both. Parents just haven’t been taught how to get another’s communication. They just don’t know how to create a safe space for you to tell the truth. They don’t know that they way in which they have been taught to communicate creates fear in their relationships. Most teens are afraid to share all thoughts, all lies, for fear of getting a lecture or a punishment (read penance.)

Here are three solutions:

1) Ask a friend, How about you and I agreeing to always tell the truth to each other and to never ever withhold any thoughts?

2) Start keeping a journal, also known as a diary. Write all the stuff that comes to mind each day. However, notice that if you leave it someplace where your parents can read it that it really becomes a covert way of communicating with them, a covert way of getting caught. Why? Because most parents cannot not be trusted to respect your privacy. They will read your journal. Buy yourself a small cash box with a combination lock. You can fold a journal into it. Then when it’s full, bury it in the yard. in a plastic bag. I recommend keeping it because it can be of value later in life when you decide to do some counseling or therapy.

3) Read about and use regularly The Clearing Process. Use it especially before taking an important exam or when you are thinking about asking someone for a date. Communicating all your fears and considerations about why you might fail precludes your fears from materializing. It’s free and it works.

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