A: Yes. You must develop the ability to communicate from your
experience. You must be willing to tell the truth.
For example:
You to a teacher: "I, ah, I um, I'm uncomfortable. I'm
afraid you'll think I'm a jerk for asking this question,
but...." or, "I feel badly because I didn't do all of my
homework, but I have a question...."
Once you've communicated your specific fear, the fear
disappears. and what's left is space for communication to take
place. It's an incredibly simple trick.
Communicating from your experience can be scary because you
have to choose to not be cool. You must be willing to come
across as a dork. What happens is you will disappear the uncomfortableness—for life. If you try and talk above the fear,
pretending that you are not uncomfortable, you will cause the
fear to persist in all such similar situations (with parents, managers,
police, and other adults in authority). Most adults (parents) are still
intimidated in front of teachers because they didn't know this
trick.
Here's another example:
Q: I read something and two minutes later I can't
remember what I read. Is there a fix for this problem?
A: Yes. There are two fixes. A quick fix and a
permanent fix.
Read this first (About Barriers to Comprehension)
Quick Fix: With this fix
you must use it every time you start to read, study for an exam, go
for a job interview, or ask someone out for a date. It works
incredibly well.
Permanent Fix: This fix
requires a life-time commitment to operating from integrity (telling
the truth, keeping agreements, zero thoughts withheld).
Q: How can I tell if someone is lying to me?
A: If you operate from integrity then you can tell something
is wrong, something, a lie or a withhold is in the space. They
may be lying to you or they may have just lied to another
(perhaps to their mother), you'll experience it. It's in their
aura. You'll know to trust that the person is either telling the
truth or they are not, rather than blindly believing their
words.
- To "operate from integrity" means that you communicate
openly, honestly, and spontaneously with your parents, friends,
and loved ones. Zero thoughts withheld, all withholds,
perpetrations, and acknowledgments communicated verbally.
- Here's a free mini tutorial
About Lies and Lying.
Q: My mother is always breaking her word with me.
She says she'll do something and then comes up with an excuse to not
do it. Is there a way to stop her from doing this?
A: Nope. There is nothing you can do or say. You don't have
permission to handle her case, she has not asked you to support
her in keeping agreements, in telling the truth. It doesn't work
to try and change someone without their permission. Most
importantly, you don't have the leadership-communication skills
to teach another how to communicate. Her lies have not cost her
enough yet for her to want to stop.
Your mom is addicted to lying which is as difficult to
overcome as is an addiction to alcohol. She would have to engage
the services of a communicologist who would support her in
creating a context for her to begin telling the truth. And
that's just the beginning. She would then have to join a support
group and give all members permission to support her in keeping
agreements, in telling the truth. Lying is abusive.
Here's more about
abuse.
What you can do is to communicate each time she doesn't keep
her word, "That doesn't feel good."
Better still, learn how to create agreements. You only
create the
illusion of an agreement. Given that she's still stuck in
childhood, (children lie and adults know that they must lie so
as to discover how lies work), it's unethical of you to
co-create an agreement with a child because you know as a child she can't
be trusted yet to keep her word consistently. It could be said
that you keep setting it up for a child to fail so that you get
to be right that she's immature.
Q: My mom says she's going to volunteer to be
a chaperon at my prom. It would ruin my prom. How can I get her
to change my mind?
A: The problem is not what you say it is. You're not dealing
with the source of the problem. If you have already
communicated verbally how you feel and all your thoughts about
it to her, then it's possible to produce your desired result.
My sense is that you have yet to learn how to intend what
another is communicating. You are resisting her communication as
opposed to getting it as a consideration.
If you don't have open and honest communication with your
mother then the answer will take much more room than we have
here. I suspect you haven't told her the truth as to why you
don't want her watching you in action. Please ask your question on the
Teen
Forum (click "NEWTOPIC").
Q: I'm getting pressure from my boyfriend to
have sex. I need some advice.
A: You'll get value from reading a similar request a teenage
girl wrote to Dear Abby to which
Dear Gabby replied also.
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