Relationship Models

To examine relationship models we begin by looking at the model used by your parents.

Who do you see as being ultimately in charge of everything? Your mom or your dad?

Perhaps from your perspective you see that mom makes the day-to-day decisions but that your dad makes those having to do with house, car, job, and dating rules.

Perhaps you see that one is in charge and the other obediently follows.

Perhaps your sense of things is that it's an absolutely democratic household because you've witnessed mom and dad both surrendering to the other's ideas or wants.

Perhaps you see that one lets the other run things as long as it's working. It appears that the most-of-the-time follower is in fact the leader and they way he/she leads is to let the other think they are the leader.

It's important that you know what the model is because you are already programmed to either emulate it or to resist being like one or both of them. Ask each parent how it works for them. Ask also their advice as to which leadership model each recommends that you use with your spouse. You may be surprised.

One relationship model that works is called the Power-Source Model.

The Power-Source Model begins with an agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero thoughts withheld from each other. No badmouthing of others except that the badmouthing is always eventually communicated to the absent party. One person agrees that the other is the power of the relationship—the one who makes the final decisions. This person agrees to surrender their power to the designated power in the relationship and to never make them wrong. They agree to feed power to the power. They are the source of the power's power.

The power's job is to handle life with integrity. To keep all agreements and to tell the truth at all times, and, most importantly, to never make the source wrong (except that they acknowledge that they know that they have done so).

The power must agree to consult and listen to the source's considerations before making important decisions. Most importantly, if the source says "no" they must look and see that they are causing (intending) the source to say no. Never thwart the intuition of the source of your power.

The power's job is to feed the source power, to empower the source, to provide of all the source's wishes. Conversely the source does everything possible to provide the power with his her wishes. This is called service. In serving one who serves the server eventually becomes the served. This can happen within a single conversation. In other words, the relationship begins with one being the power, the other the source, but soon they are interchanging roles very swiftly. The faster they change roles the better life is for each.

The source may call a clearing at any time and the power must sit and clear with them though to mutual satisfaction. The source agrees to not withhold any dissatisfactions.

Both agree to communicate all perpetrations, withholds, and acknowledgments to each other as soon as possible. If an acknowledgment is not forthcoming voluntarily is must be requested.

If the power takes advantage of the source (is verbally abusive/invalidating) then the source takes control and it's time for the power to surrender. In public each talks about the other as though the other is the source of all that's working. It's called acknowledging the source.

With this kind of relationship a prenuptial agreement is a given. It's all handled up front. It ensures that both have the same value system.

With this kind of relationship separation/divorce settlements are fifty-fifty because the agreement has been that all one is/has is because their partner served them.

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