Author Topic: Overview and Instructions  (Read 3969 times)


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Overview and Instructions
« on: December 15, 2006, 12:50:14 PM »
Overview and Instructions

The purpose of Potential Rumors is expanding our ability to co-create mutually satisfying conversations.

    "Humanity is going to require a substantial new way of thinking if it is to survive." —Albert Einstein

Potential Rumors [a.k.a. Thinking outside the box] exemplifies one of the components* of a unique communication model**, a way of communicating in which the agreement is that all communications begin from nothing—a space referred to as potential. Yah, I know, it reads a bit airy-fairy until you read some of the "rumors."***
    The content of these posts is unusual, ("outside the box," "off the wall"). You'll agree with some "rumors" and you'll find yourself judging others to be too judgmental or too critical.—knee-jerk negative reactions such as these serve as barriers to creating a "new" communication model. There is a way to communicate disagreement and have all concerned feel good upon completion. Disagreeing non-verbally, for life, affects ones aliveness.  Potential Rumors serves as a journal, a place to empty my mind. Reading these "rumors" will cause "new" thoughts for stimulating communications between us. —Kerry
For example: A couple using this model (referred to as intentional communication) would agree that each is causing (intending) the other to be saying what they are saying. With this model there are no arguments because Self #1 (normally referred to as the sender) is willing to communicate from the point of view that he/she is causing (intending) Self #2 (normally referred to as the receiver) to be saying what they are saying. "H'm, what's the brilliant me up to that I would intend (usually unconsciously) my brilliant partner to be having that point of view?"

The prevailing communication model taught to education majors nationwide (who teach it to students who become parents, clergy, business persons, therapists, politicians, and attorneys) is called the Adversarial Communication Model. This model creates us and them; "A" and "D" students, winners and losers, right and wrong, Christians and others. It trains us to badmouth and blame others; it's concerned with fault as opposed to responsibility, "She won't do her homework" instead of, "I don't know how to communicate so as to inspire her to honor her homework agreement." "He lied to me" as opposed to, "I wasn't a safe space for him to tell me the truth." "He cheated on me" instead of, "I drove him into the arms of another." And, the all too familiar, "They started the war."
    "Normally" refers to the Adversarial Communication Model in which there is a sender <—> receiver.  "I keep telling you and you don't listen." instead of, "I see now that I've had no intention for you to recreate my communication; and, I see now that I have been blaming you for my inability to cause communication to be mutually satisfying between us."

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* Component: Meaning a part. Other parts of the model are acknowledgments, incompletes, intentions, integrity, perpetrations, and withholds. For example: If ones integrity is out, if there's a lie or a thought being withheld from another, then communication can't take place. It looks like communication, it sounds like communication but what's missing is the experience of communication. What happens then is both resort to doing their imitation of communication, the way we were taught by our teachers and parents; it's the model in which the agreement is that it's OK to not be open, honest, and spontaneous. As Ann Landers/Dear Abby espoused, "It's best to let sleeping dogs lie."

** Model: A way of communicating/relating/interacting. For example, a military drill instructor uses the Authoritarian Communication Model in which the agreement is that condescension and verbal abuse is necessary. (BTW: It's not necessary).

*** Potential: At the beginning of a relationship there is quite a lot of space between two; that is to say they don't have much history between them and so most conversations are mutually satisfying. This space is referred to as potential. It's virtually unlimited; because of this, communication takes place mostly accidentally.
    When communication takes place it always results in the experience of love; both bodies manufacture certain chemicals that induce euphoria (love).
    When talking takes place both may feel good but there is no experience of euphoria or love; typically, problems persist because certain truths are not discussed. When the truth is told the problem disappears.
As a couple continues relating they begin to accumulate incompletes, mostly from conversations that are not mutually satisfying. i.e. "That was stupid!" "Where the hell were you?" "I can't believe you bought that." "Where's my God damn keys?" "Christ, I told you a thousand times to put your dirty underwear in the hamper." "Nice going klutz." These abusive condescending put-downs (some masked as humor) are referred to as incompletes. They don't feel good; they begin to occupy space, they become barriers to the experience of communication. They become the cause for more breakdowns in communication. They remain incompletes until they are verbally acknowledged as being abusive. Soon both are stuck doing their imitation of communication, the growth and excitement that once was is no longer.  What completes an abusive interaction is an acknowledgment. i.e. "I get that it didn't feel good when I made you wrong earlier today."  Notice that an acknowledgment does not include an apology or a promise to not do it again.

I say "accidentally" because our school systems do not teach students (especially education majors) how to create space for communication to take place; consequently, few people/teachers know how to cause communication to take place.  For example: With a teacher who knows how to create space for communication to take place all of his/her students do the homework completely and legibly whereas, those in the process of becoming teachers do their imitation of communication, therefore some students (and their parents) get that it doesn't have to be done, done completely, done on time, or done neatly. So, "accidentally" refers to results produced that can't be reproduced consistently. Few couples in the middle of the divorce process know how to recreate the experience of love that was there in the beginning, for them, love just "happened." The experience of love can be recreated within a single 3-hr coaching session or via The Clearing Process for Couples.