Author Topic: How do I tell parent what is on my mind?  (Read 4255 times)

Kerry

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How do I tell parent what is on my mind?
« on: December 15, 2006, 01:16:51 PM »
How do I tell parent what is on my mind?
What are some ways to start talking to parents?

This person posted both of these questions.

Itís important to know exactly what we are dealing with here. Itís called fear. Whatís even more important is that if you donít acknowledge your fear now, to yourself, and verbally to each parent/teacher/friend, it will become a part of your personality for life.

Itís not as though you arenít communicating your fear to your parents and to everyone else, you are. People donít know what you are afraid of, or even that you have a specific problem with fear, they only know that something is wrong. In other words, you are communicating nonverbally that something is on your mind. This something is called a withhold. You are withholding some thought from someone. The more thoughts you withhold the more bound up you become.

Youíd think that adults would see that you are withholding a thought or thoughts but they usually canít. That, or they can see but don't know how to get into communication with you. There were many teachers at Columbine who couldnít see that the students had been dramatizing their upsets non-verbally, and there were many who could see the dramatizations, yet none knew enough to get into communication with either of the students. Why canít adults see, why donít they say something? They canít because they too are withholding thoughts from others. They become so bound up they canít see that youíve become bound up. Strange as it may sound, teachers do not attend advanced communication training programs to become teachers. They simply donít know how to get into communication with you.

What kinds of thoughts are you withholding from your parents? Believe it or not the first thought you withheld was most likely your first lie. You were going along in life in-integrity. Up till then you had been completely honest and truthful, and then one day your mom asked, ďDid you brush your teeth?Ē You lied and said you did. Had she been conscious, (awake) and in-integrity herself, she would have heard the lie in your voice or seen it on your face, but unbeknownst to her her mind was preoccupied with some upset, withhold, or lie she was telling to your dad or her mom, or someone. For example: To the IRS: ďI used my family car for 2650 miles for business.Ē To the school principal a week ago: ďIíll mail our new address and emergency phone numbers to you today.Ē To the insurance company so as to get the lowest premiums: ďIím in perfect health.Ē (when she knows she has had some health problem.). To your dad: Your mom may have been withholding from him that sheís had thoughts of divorcing him and sheís become afraid to communicate openly and honestly with him. To you: ďIíll be with you in a minute.Ē Each lie, conscious or not, has an effect, a consequence. Each lie saps oneís awareness, their consciousness. After a while a parent has so many outstanding (unacknowledged to anyone) lies and withholds they can no longer hear your lies or see that you also are withholding thoughts. You begin to lose [total] respect for them because you have been able to con them too easily.

Now hereís the shocker. That first lie still effects you and your relationship with your mom and everyone else in your life. Itís called an unacknowledged perpetration. The guilt is still written on your face, begging to be caught. That lie serves as a barrier to open and honest communication with your parents. It was the beginning of them shutting down with you because they couldnít get into open and honest and spontaneous communication with you. They had no idea when it began, when they lost touch with you, but when traced, all adults have their number one unacknowledged lie with their parents.

This is true for the vast majority of adults. A communicologist can experience when an adult is shut down, when another is hiding something from someone. The adult simply begins to look tired, as we say, ďsolid.Ē There is no space for communication. They are no longer open and spontaneous. Their humor is not as close to the surface as it used to be. They have too many unresolved upsets. They are in fact dramatizing that life isnít working as they know it could.

For example: When you look among your teachers some look approachable and others look grumpy or busy all the time. The ones who look approachable are more open and honest in their communications than the grumpy shut down looking teachers. There are no exceptions to this rule. Teachers and parents who appear to be angry or short tempered or grumpy, or not easily approachable, unconsciously create fear in their relationship with others. The majority of police officers create fear in their relationship with the populace and they donít even know that they are cause for this fear. This is because they carry around so many thoughts that they donít, wonít, or canít, share with anyone. They just donít look like they are a safe space in which to tell the truth. They arenít comfortable with themselves and so no one can be comfortable around them. Adults become bound up. Itís not only you.

One of the phases most teens go through is called pouting. The reason pouting is used as a manipulation tool during teenage years is that in the beginning it most always works. When a normally happy open and spontaneous child suddenly shuts down itís so obvious that all those who know him/her ask, ďWhatís wrong?Ē Pouting is when you dramatize an upset/incomplete non-verbally. Pouting begins with pout number one. You were upset and instead of crying you just shut down. This caused your parent to ask, Whatís wrong?Ē This is called a setup. You set it up for someone to drag out of you what was on your mind. Communicating non-verbally, in the beginning, is a great way to control others. It drives adults crazy. They feel like failures in their relationship with you. It looses its effectiveness soon and then adults simply give up on you.


So, you ask, ďHow do I tell my parents whatís on my mind? and ďWhat are some ways to start talking to parents?Ē
You begin by acknowledging your first lie to them. Come clean. It opens up space. It completes the incident. It disappears the guilt. It creates space for them to be open and honest with you.

Hereís how it works:

You: ďMom, is this a good time to talk? I need you to sit down with me?Ē
Mom: What? What do you want to talk about?Ē
You: ďItís a homework assignment. I canít tell you what it's about until you are sitting down with me. Whenís a good time? It will only take about five minutes.Ē (Itís an assignment because I am a teacher and Iím assigning you this communication-skills homework.)

The most important thing here is to not reveal the subject until you have her sitting down with you. In other words, you have to be willing to control her. If your fear is such that you are afraid to ask her to sit with you and you think she would not take the time to sit with you, then you need some therapy and counseling immediatelyóyou, not her. Sheís already too damaged; the relationship is too damaged, for you to help her right now. You are in survival mode and itís up to you to raise yourself from now on. If you donít get therapy youíll find yourself blaming your parents for the rest of your life for how screwed up you are, except, you and I will know that you had a choice, you were told, and you refused to get help for yourself.

Continuing: Once she is seated you say to her anything, thatís true for you, of the following:

ďI am uncomfortable. Iím experiencing nervousness. I have the thought that you will get upset with me for what Iím about to say. Iím afraid that you will get angry. Iím afraid that you will interrupt me in the middle. Iím afraid that you might hit me. I'm afraid you will ground me.Ē

The above paragraph is called creating a context. Itís building a basket into which you will deliver your withhold(s) your first unacknowledged childhood perpetration. To understand why we are doing this you need to know that the mind is driven to be right. For example: If you tell an adult that you are afraid they will interrupt you, they, to be right, will do their best to not interrupt you, to prove that you were wrong. The above paragraph consists of your fears, your considerations. If you do a thorough job, if you communicate all your fears, then you will have none left. You will be fearlessóat least for a few minutes.

For more about this topic go to Questions posted via the
Teen Topic Request Form 3/22/04:

Posted here by Kerry, Teen Forum Moderator

How do I tell my parent what is on my mind?
What are some ways to start talking to parents?

Background and explanation:

Itís important to know exactly what we are dealing with here. Itís called fear. Whatís even more important is that if you donít acknowledge your fear now, to yourself, and verbally to each parent/teacher/friend, it will become a part of your personality for life.

Itís not as though you arenít communicating your fear to your parents and to everyone else, you are. People donít know what you are afraid of, or even that you have a specific problem with fear, they only know that something is wrong. In other words, you are communicating nonverbally that something is on your mind. This something is called a withhold. You are withholding some thought from someone. The more thoughts you withhold the more bound up you become.

Youíd think that adults would see that you are withholding a thought or thoughts but they canít. Thereís not a teacher at Columbine who couldnít see that the students had been dramatizing their upsets nonverbally. Yet none knew enough to get into communication with either of the students. Why canít adults see, why donít they say something? They canít because they too are withholding thoughts from others. They become so bound up they canít see that youíve become bound up. Strange as it may sound, teachers do not attend advanced communication training programs to become teachers. They simply donít know how to get into communication with you.

What kinds of thoughts are you withholding from your parents? Believe it or not the first thought you withheld was most likely your first lie. You were going along in life in-integrity. Up till then you had been completely honest and truthful, and then one day your mom asked, ďDid you brush your teeth?Ē You lied and said you did. Had she been conscious, (awake) and in-integrity herself, she would have heard the lie in your voice or seen it on your face, but unbeknownst to her her mind was preoccupied with some upset, withhold, or lie she was telling to your dad or her mom, or someone. For example: To the IRS: ďI used my family car for 2650 miles for business.Ē To the school principal: ďIíll mail our new address and emergency phone numbers to you today.Ē (a week ago). To the insurance company so as to get the lowest premiums: ďIím in perfect health.Ē (when she knows she has had some health problem.). To your dad: She may have been withholding from him that sheís had thoughts of divorcing him and sheís become afraid to communicate openly and honestly with him. To you: ďIíll be with you in a minute.Ē Each lie, conscious or not, has an effect, a consequence. Each saps oneís awareness, their consciousness. After a while a parent has so many outstanding (unacknowledged to anyone) lies and withholds they can no longer hear your lies or see that you also are withholding thoughts. You begin to lose respect for them because you have been able to con them too easily.

Now hereís the shocker. That first lie still effects you and your relationship with your mom and everyone else in your life. Itís called an unacknowledged perpetration. The guilt is still written on your face, begging to be caught. That lie serves as a barrier to open and honest communication with your parents. It was the beginning of them shutting down with you because they couldnít get into open and honest and spontaneous communication with you. They had no idea when it began, when they lost touch with you, but when traced, all adults have their number one unacknowledged lie with their parents.

This is true for the vast majority of adults. A communicologist can experience when an adult is shut down, when they are hiding something from someone. The adult simply begins to look tired, as we say, ďsolid.Ē There is no space for communication. They are no longer open and spontaneous. Their humor is not as close to the surface as it used to be. They have too many unresolved upsets. They are in fact dramatizing that life isnít working as they know it could.

For example: When you look among your teachers some look approachable and others look grumpy or busy all the time. The ones who look approachable are more open and honest in their communications than the grumpy shut down looking teachers. There are no exceptions to this rule. Teachers and parents who appear to be angry or short tempered or grumpy, or not easily approachable, unconsciously create fear in their relationship with others. The majority of police officers create fear in their relationship with the populace and they donít even know that they are cause for this fear. This is because they carry around so many thoughts that they donít, wonít, or canít, share with anyone. They just donít look like they are a safe space in which to tell the truth. They arenít comfortable with themselves and so no one can be comfortable around them. Adults become bound up. Itís not only you.

One of the phases most teens go through is called pouting. The reason pouting is used as a manipulation tool during teenage years is that in the beginning it most always works. When a normally happy open and spontaneous child suddenly shuts down itís so obvious that all those who know him/her ask, ďWhatís wrong?Ē Pouting is when you dramatize an upset/incomplete nonverbally. Pouting begins with pout number one. You were upset and instead of crying you just shut down. This caused your parent to ask, Whatís wrong?Ē This is called a setup. You set it up for someone to drag out of you what was on your mind. Communicating nonverbally, in the beginning, is a great way to control others. It drives adults crazy. They feel like failures in their relationship with you. It looses its effectiveness soon and then adults simply give up on you.


So, you ask, ďHow do I tell my parents whatís on my mind? and ďWhat are some ways to start talking to parents?Ē
You begin by acknowledging your first lie to them. Come clean. It opens up space. It completes the incident. It disappears the guilt. It creates space for them to be open and honest with you.

Hereís how it works:

You: ďMom, is this a good time to talk? I need you to sit down with me?Ē
Mom: What? What do you want to talk about?Ē
You: ďItís a homework assignment. I canít tell you what it's about until you are sitting down with me. Whenís a good time? It will only take about five minutes.Ē (Itís an assignment because I am a teacher and Iím assigning you this communication-skills homework.)

The most important thing here is to not reveal the subject until you have her sitting down with you. In other words, you have to be willing to control her. If your fear is such that you are afraid to ask her to sit with you and you think she would not take the time to sit with you, then you need some therapy and counseling immediatelyóyou, not her. Sheís already too damaged; the relationship is too damaged, for you to help her right now. You are in survival mode and itís up to you to raise yourself from now on. If you donít get therapy youíll find yourself blaming your parents for the rest of your life for how screwed up you are, except, you and I will know that you had a choice, you were told, and you refused to get help for yourself.

Continuing: Once she is seated you say to her anything, thatís true for you, of the following:

ďI am uncomfortable. Iím experiencing nervousness. I have the thought that you will get upset with me for what Iím about to say. Iím afraid that you will get angry. Iím afraid that you will interrupt me in the middle. Iím afraid that you might hit me. I'm afraid you will ground me.Ē

The above paragraph is called creating a context. Itís building a basket into which you will deliver your withhold(s) your first unacknowledged childhood perpetration. To understand why we are doing this you need to know that the mind is driven to be right. For example: If you tell an adult that you are afraid they will interrupt you, they, to be right, will do their best to not interrupt you, to prove that you were wrong. The above paragraph consists of your fears, your considerations. If you do a thorough job, if you communicate all your fears, then you will have none left. You will be fearlessóat least for a few minutes.

For more about this topic go to Questions posted via the
Teen Topic Request Form 3/22/04:

Posted here by Kerry, Teen Forum Moderator

How do I tell my parent what is on my mind?
What are some ways to start talking to parents?

Background and explanation:

Itís important to know exactly what we are dealing with here. Itís called fear. Whatís even more important is that if you donít acknowledge your fear now, to yourself, and verbally to each parent/teacher/friend, it will become a part of your personality for life.

Itís not as though you arenít communicating your fear to your parents and to everyone else, you are. People donít know what you are afraid of, or even that you have a specific problem with fear, they only know that something is wrong. In other words, you are communicating nonverbally that something is on your mind. This something is called a withhold. You are withholding some thought from someone. The more thoughts you withhold the more bound up you become.

Youíd think that adults would see that you are withholding a thought or thoughts but they canít. Thereís not a teacher at Columbine who couldnít see that the students had been dramatizing their upsets nonverbally. Yet none knew enough to get into communication with either of the students. Why canít adults see, why donít they say something? They canít because they too are withholding thoughts from others. They become so bound up they canít see that youíve become bound up. Strange as it may sound, teachers do not attend advanced communication training programs to become teachers. They simply donít know how to get into communication with you.

What kinds of thoughts are you withholding from your parents? Believe it or not the first thought you withheld was most likely your first lie. You were going along in life in-integrity. Up till then you had been completely honest and truthful, and then one day your mom asked, ďDid you brush your teeth?Ē You lied and said you did. Had she been conscious, (awake) and in-integrity herself, she would have heard the lie in your voice or seen it on your face, but unbeknownst to her her mind was preoccupied with some upset, withhold, or lie she was telling to your dad or her mom, or someone. For example: To the IRS: ďI used my family car for 2650 miles for business.Ē To the school principal: ďIíll mail our new address and emergency phone numbers to you today.Ē (a week ago). To the insurance company so as to get the lowest premiums: ďIím in perfect health.Ē (when she knows she has had some health problem.). To your dad: She may have been withholding from him that sheís had thoughts of divorcing him and sheís become afraid to communicate openly and honestly with him. To you: ďIíll be with you in a minute.Ē Each lie, conscious or not, has an effect, a consequence. Each saps oneís awareness, their consciousness. After a while a parent has so many outstanding (unacknowledged to anyone) lies and withholds they can no longer hear your lies or see that you also are withholding thoughts. You begin to lose respect for them because you have been able to con them too easily.

Now hereís the shocker. That first lie still effects you and your relationship with your mom and everyone else in your life. Itís called an unacknowledged perpetration. The guilt is still written on your face, begging to be caught. That lie serves as a barrier to open and honest communication with your parents. It was the beginning of them shutting down with you because they couldnít get into open and honest and spontaneous communication with you. They had no idea when it began, when they lost touch with you, but when traced, all adults have their number one unacknowledged lie with their parents.

This is true for the vast majority of adults. A communicologist can experience when an adult is shut down, when they are hiding something from someone. The adult simply begins to look tired, as we say, ďsolid.Ē There is no space for communication. They are no longer open and spontaneous. Their humor is not as close to the surface as it used to be. They have too many unresolved upsets. They are in fact dramatizing that life isnít working as they know it could.

For example: When you look among your teachers some look approachable and others look grumpy or busy all the time. The ones who look approachable are more open and honest in their communications than the grumpy shut down looking teachers. There are no exceptions to this rule. Teachers and parents who appear to be angry or short tempered or grumpy, or not easily approachable, unconsciously create fear in their relationship with others. The majority of police officers create fear in their relationship with the populace and they donít even know that they are cause for this fear. This is because they carry around so many thoughts that they donít, wonít, or canít, share with anyone. They just donít look like they are a safe space in which to tell the truth. They arenít comfortable with themselves and so no one can be comfortable around them. Adults become bound up. Itís not only you.

One of the phases most teens go through is called pouting. The reason pouting is used as a manipulation tool during teenage years is that in the beginning it most always works. When a normally happy open and spontaneous child suddenly shuts down itís so obvious that all those who know him/her ask, ďWhatís wrong?Ē Pouting is when you dramatize an upset/incomplete nonverbally. Pouting begins with pout number one. You were upset and instead of crying you just shut down. This caused your parent to ask, Whatís wrong?Ē This is called a setup. You set it up for someone to drag out of you what was on your mind. Communicating nonverbally, in the beginning, is a great way to control others. It drives adults crazy. They feel like failures in their relationship with you. It looses its effectiveness soon and then adults simply give up on you.


So, you ask, ďHow do I tell my parents whatís on my mind? and ďWhat are some ways to start talking to parents?Ē
You begin by acknowledging your first lie to them. Come clean. It opens up space. It completes the incident. It disappears the guilt. It creates space for them to be open and honest with you.

Hereís how it works:

You: ďMom, is this a good time to talk? I need you to sit down with me?Ē
Mom: What? What do you want to talk about?Ē
You: ďItís a homework assignment. I canít tell you what it's about until you are sitting down with me. Whenís a good time? It will only take about five minutes.Ē (Itís an assignment because I am a teacher and Iím assigning you this communication-skills homework.)

The most important thing here is to not reveal the subject until you have her sitting down with you. In other words, you have to be willing to control her. If your fear is such that you are afraid to ask her to sit with you and you think she would not take the time to sit with you, then you need some therapy and counseling immediatelyóyou, not her. Sheís already too damaged; the relationship is too damaged, for you to help her right now. You are in survival mode and itís up to you to raise yourself from now on. If you donít get therapy youíll find yourself blaming your parents for the rest of your life for how screwed up you are, except, you and I will know that you had a choice, you were told, and you refused to get help for yourself.

Continuing: Once she is seated you say to her anything, thatís true for you, of the following:

ďI am uncomfortable. Iím experiencing nervousness. I have the thought that you will get upset with me for what Iím about to say. Iím afraid that you will get angry. Iím afraid that you will interrupt me in the middle. Iím afraid that you might hit me. I'm afraid you will ground me.Ē

The above paragraph is called creating a context. Itís building a basket into which you will deliver your withhold(s) your first unacknowledged childhood perpetration. To understand why we are doing this you need to know that the mind is driven to be right. For example: If you tell an adult that you are afraid they will interrupt you, they, to be right, will do their best to not interrupt you, to prove that you were wrong. The above paragraph consists of your fears, your considerations. If you do a thorough job, if you communicate all your fears, then you will have none left. You will be fearlessóat least for a few minutes.

For more about this topic go to Parents.

Thank you,

Kerry, Teen Forum Moderator (Last edtited 2/5/17)