Author Topic: How do I tell my parents that I'm dating  (Read 21820 times)


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How do I tell my parents that I'm dating
« on: December 15, 2006, 01:14:26 PM »
How do I tell my parents that I'm dating

There is no easy way. Youíll have to choose to have your fear and be uncomfortable. This is different than walking around the corner and bumping into a tiger. Thatís the kind of fear during which you have no choice. The way to master fear with parents is to choose to enter into the conversation with the fear and the uncomfortableness (similar to choosing to watch a horror movie). Picture moving your fear from in front of your chest to tucking it under your arm. When itís under your arm itís not between you and the other serving as a barrier to communication. Watch what happens each second. The great thing about it is; once youíve done it, the next time will be easier, eventually, there will be no hesitation.

The great thing about zero fear with parents is that you won't have fear in your personal relationships, marriage, etc. Most adults hide stuff from their spouses because of fear, the exact same fear that they didnít handle when they were a teen with their parents.

Tip: The way to communicate something difficult is to create a context.

A context is also referred to as a basket into which you will put the content (that which you are afraid to talk about).

For example: You make the basket out of sentences that are your considerations (thoughts, fears, doubts, and worries). Each sentence weaves a stronger basket. The stronger the basket the easier it is for the recipient (your parent(s)) to simply get your communication and to be with it appropriately, instead of overreacting.

It might go like this: ďMom, Iíve got something Iíd like to talk about. Is this a good time? I need you to sit down with meĒ You have to learn how to control others and you learn this with your parents. Choose to control the situation so that you have her full attention. If sheís on the Internet you wonít have her full attention. Getting control, getting her attention, creates a context of importance.

If she replies, ďWhatís it about?Ē (which is how parents wrest back the control) then you communicate to her, ďI need to have you sit down with me. Maybe we could do it after supper? I just donít want to start talking until I have your full attention.Ē The words ďcommunicate to herĒ here means that you don't have to use my words, simply get your point across.

Now if youíre not used to talking to your parents like this, then this is where you begin to master fear. Choose to be assertive and in control.

Your mom is now sitting down with you, she might say, ďOK, whatís this about?Ē Make sure thereís no one else in the room.

Sentence #1 of the basket:  ďMom, Iíve got something to tell you and Iím afraid that you might get angry and interrupt me.Ē This fear is called a consideration. It communicates: I have the consideration that the minute I open my mouth youíll guess what Iím about to say and youíll fly off the handle. What you are doing is tapping into the mind. The purpose of the mind is to be right. Once you suggest that she might not have the ability to listen to you or that you think she canít hear something without flying off the handle, her mind will unconsciously command her to prove you wrong. And sheíll listen to what you have to say.

Sentence #2 of the basket: ďIím afraid that what Iím about to tell you will ruin our relationship. Iím afraid that you will no longer be able to trust me. Iím afraid that Iíll never ever be able to get back your trust. I know I need a consequence for what Iíve done but Iím afraid that youíll go off the deep end and make it more than it should be." Keep communicating your specific fears until you have communicated them all. By this time sheíll be very ready to hear what this terrible thing is. Notice that you haven't even mentioned the topic yet.

Once you tell her, be sure to offer her a solution, a consequence. To not do so sets it up for her to be the bad guy. For example: "Mom. I've been dating. I don't feel good knowing I've deceived you. I'd like to introduce you to him and to be grounded for a week."

Now let's get to what this was about in the first place. Obviously, your parent(s) communicated "donít date until" or whatever. You either argued with them or your stuffed your reaction. No matter, the fact is that you didnít have the communication skills to cause them to see that you are mature and ready for dating, this was proof positive that they were right. Arrgh. Not what you wanted to hear, yes?

For example: If your mind is undeveloped then you have fear in your relationship with your parents. You donít yet have a partnership with them. Itís still, Iím the boss, and youíre not. This is partly why they have debate classes in high school; a debate class is where you learn to manipulate ideas and parents. The trick is to learn how to manipulate others so that both they and you win.

Another example: The fact that you didn't feel confident enough to argue and win your case for dating reveals that you don't yet have the communication skills it will take to fend off an amorous boy; boys simply won't take no from an immature wimp who is clearly not ready to date.

The deception with your parents is a covert expression of disrespect and upset. Furthermore, it reveals that you have at least one, but most likely many other, deceits with them and others. An enlightened parent knows that when a child breaks an agreement that itís really about another broken agreement for which they have yet to catch/acknowledge.

Youíre at the edge. You have a choice, to restore your integrity with your parents or to continue on the long downhill slide to crashing and burning. Most adults accumulated so many unacknowledged childhood/teen perpetrations that they donít pay themselves back until it really matters, when they have lots to lose, child, house, money, and health. You are fortunate in that your integrity is close enough to the surface (not too badly damaged) that your out-integrity bothered you enough to think about cleaning up the mess (you wrote this letter). Now that youíve written it and have read my reply, weíll see if you were just pretending to be responsible or if in fact you will clean it up between you and your parents.

Another point: If your date knows you sneaked out on your parents then youíve got another problem. You magnetically attracted someone who supports lying and deceiving. It indicates that thereís more going on here between you and your folks than what youíve presented. That is to say, a responsible date, committed to honoring his/her parents would not put themselves in the situation to be conned by you. If he/she supports you in deceiving your parents he/she will eventually deceive you as well. In short, your date is not someone you can be proud of to bring home to your parents, because he/she won't be able to be spontaneous. They'd be hiding (deceiving) from them. Him: "Oh yes, did I mention that I've been supporting your child in deceiving you?" Your date has no idea at all that there is a correlation between your integrity and your grades/future successes. In truth he is unconsciously thwarting and sabotaging you, and your relationship with your parents.

You need to communicate all the thoughts (including unacknowledged perpetrations) you have been withholding from your parents. Once you do youíll find life working much better. Till then we wonít know for sure if your low grades and other dissatisfactions are about your communication skills or about the consequences of your integrity.

Thanks so much for reaching out. Millions of teens have the same problem.

With aloha, Kerry