Open letter to Sue Klebold (Columbine parent)

[Kerry]

Heads up: This could be uncomfortable/upsetting to read, especially, if you are addicted to withholding and blaming. As you read the following, notice which specific sentence triggers upset or disagreement?

Hi Sue,*

I just (2/16/16) heard your interview on HPR-1 (Hawaii). It triggered several considerations I've had over the years, about your realizations and how you were/are communicating them.**

I heard several statements during the interview that revealed a universal misunderstanding about the word responsibility. Not to worry, no two teachers in any school have and operate from the same definition. Yah, I know, it sounds like a gross exaggeration, however, it's true; none can verbally communicate a definition from any dictionary (each is slightly/significantly different). Few could communicate their their home-made definition*** of the word responsibility to a ten-year-old who would then be able to both remember the definition and relate its essence to a parent. Most dictionary definitions leave one even more confused, all of which help explain why a customer addicted to blaming successfully sued McDonald's for a coffee burn and another successfully sued a tobacco company for lung cancer.

An article quotes Sue--

• ". . . I might've in some way inadvertently contributed to his [my son's] perception of something at a given moment,"
   
  Sue's use of the word "might've" (might have) is a clue, it's referred to as covert denial; however, Sue's word "inadvertently" is accurate. Sue, was unconscious during the interview, as was I during my first 32 years.
  
  
• "I felt for a very long time that it must've been something I did,"
  
  Here the word "felt" is inaccurately used to describe a thought; one thinks thoughts and one feels feelings. The phrase, "must've been something" reveals that Sue has looked but couldn't find the "thing."  The implied communication being, I finally arrived at that it wasn't any specific thing I did or did not do or said or did not say.

There is a communication model, a way of interacting, and relating, that supports completion and the experience of integrity; this model is not taught in schools, colleges or churches. Your interview revealed that you are still incomplete about the incident. In other words Sue, you have not told the truth as to your cause; you can't complete something you did not start (cause).

Perhaps you think that your teenage perpetrations (lies, deceits, thefts, verbal abuses, the ones for which you have not been caught) have not been producing consequences, compounded over the years. Such incompletes definitely sap one's awareness. I.e. My childhood lies to my parents (or dates) had absolutely nothing to do with the event.  Depending upon our arrogance we each create our own appropriate comeuppance. 

Sue, is it possible that the incident was your karma? Perhaps you conned your first boyfriend into deceiving both sets of parents so as to have sex behind their backs? Maybe you thought there were no consequences for deceiving your creators? Perhaps you still believe he seduced you.

BTW: Children have no choice other than to mirror the integrity of their parents.

For your consideration, I recommend The Clearing Process. --it's free and it works. Once a parent has completed the process they can then do the Clearing Process for a Parent and a Young Person/Teen each evening.  It supports mutually satisfying open, honest, and spontaneous communication--zero significant thoughts withheld. It acknowledges the correlation between personal integrity and outcomes; specifically, the results we produce (using our leadership communication-skills) for ourselves and for those with whom we relate. Most children have no choice other than to mirror the integrity of their parents; some resist being like--others succumb to being like one or both.

Those closest around me mirror my integrity. The Columbine incident reveals that there are one or more incompletes in Sue's relationships with her parents.

Most undesirable results are a consequence of our unacknowledged perpetrations (mostly childhood abuses, deceits, lies, badmouthing, etc. --interactions we arrogantly think we got away with).****  Most use the clearing process to restore and then maintain their integrity; an alias user name is fine.

* Sue is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the Columbine High School shooters.

** As you become clear and share your responsibility for the incident the more parents worldwide will get value from your experience. I look forward to another interview and book.

*** More accurately, all teachers communicate their definition non-verbally; most teachers have one or more incidents in their life for which they resist having caused. Ergo, the confusion for students who eventually, like yourself, become parents. Note:  Teacher's less-than-satisfying wages mirror their leadership-relationship communication skills.

**** What you're looking for is the very first breakdown in communication with your son, the specific incident from which neither of you fully recovered through to hugs and laughing. Notice that you had become stuck doing your imitation of communication with your son; he was carrying around hundreds of thoughts that he stuffed when around you. Conversely, you were not a safe space for him to share his darkest thoughts--he had no choice other than to dramatize them.

More Thoughts on the Shooting

With aloha,

Kerry


Last edited 6/16/23